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GEMS FROM PROBUS CHAT
GEMS FOR PROBUS NEWSLETTERS
...AND OTHERS

 


Sept 1, 2001

CHILDRENS RIGHTS

My son came home from school one day,
A smirk was on his face.
He'd decided he was smart enough
To put me in my place.
 
HE SAID:
Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
That's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today:
THE CHILDREN'S BILL OF RIGHTS.
 
IT SAYS:
I don't have to clean my room,
Don't have to cut my hair.
No one can tell me what to think,
How to speak, or what to wear.
 
I have freedom FROM religion,
And regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
And I sure DON'T HAVE TO PRAY.
 
I can wear earrings if I want,
And pierce my tongue & nose.
I can read & watch just what I like,
Be tattooed from head to toes.
 
AND if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with the crime,
I'll back up all my charges,
With the marks on my behind.

HE SAID:
Don't you ever touch me,
This body's for MY use,
Not for your hugs and kisses,
That's just more child abuse.
 
HE CONTINUED WITH:
Don't preach about your morals,
Like your mama did to you.
That's nothing but your mind control,
And it's illegal too!

Mom, I have these children's rights,
So you can't influence me,
Or I'll call Children's Services,
Better known as C.S.D.
 
MY TURN!
Well, of course, my natural instinct
Was to toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach a lesson,
Made me think a little more.
 
I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A little smile crept to my face...
He was messing with a pro!

AND AWAY WE GO!
Next day I took him shopping,
At the local Good Will store,
I told him, "pick out all you want!
There are shirts & pants galore."
 
I've called and checked with C.S.D.,
They said they didn't care,
If I bought you K-Mart shoes,
Instead of Nike Airs.
 
OH! And...
I've canceled that appointment
To take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. is unconcerned,
So I'll decide what's best.
 
I SAID:
No time to stop and eat,
Or pick up stuff to munch,
And tomorrow you can start to learn
To make your own sack lunch.
 
Just save that raging appetite,
And wait 'til dinner time.
We're having liver and onions.
It's a favorite dish of mine.
 
He ASKED:
Can we stop to rent a movie,
So I can watch the VCR?
Sorry, I said, I sold your TV,
For new tires on my car.
 
I also rented out your room,
You can take the couch instead.
The C.S.D. requires just a roof above your head.
 
Your clothing won't be trendy now,
I'll choose the food we eat,
That allowance that you used to get
Will buy me something neat.
 
I'm selling off your jet ski,
Dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check out the PARENTS' BILL OF RIGHTS,
It's in effect today!
 
Hey, Hot Shot, are you crying?
Why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you?
GO CALL THE C.S.D
 
Share this one with some moms (& dads) you know....
Or better yet some kids!!!


Sept. 1, 2001 

REASONS WHY THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS SO HARD TO LEARN:


1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.


There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are
meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but
fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?  One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?  Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? 

Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.


Sept. 1, 2001

HILARIOUS SIGNS!

Over a gynecologist's office "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

On a Plumber's truck "We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

Outside a muffler shop "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

Door of a plastic surgeon's office "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

On an electrician's truck "Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door "Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

In the front yard of a funeral home "Drive carefully. We'll wait."


Oct. 23, 2000
                          GENIE
  One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He
  picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.
 
  "I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.
  The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a
  spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever
  succeeded at or has ever even dared try."

  "Poof!" said the genie.  "You're a housewife."
  Submitted by Bud Crookes, Probus Club of Collingwood

 

Sept. 18, 2000

COMPUTER SPELLING CHECK

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

Source unknown
Submitted by Bob Coryell, Severn Sound Probus



January 12, 2000

STUPID PEOPLE
by George Carlin

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid".

That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you?  You  wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops,  never mind. I didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway.  My friend comes over and says, "Hey, you  moving?"
 "Nope.  We just pack our stuff up once or  twice a week to see how many boxes it takes.  Here's  your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big  'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all
them fish?"
 "Nope - talked 'em into giving up.  Here's your  sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel.   There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one  way to test it.
"Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good. They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if  it hurts when they bite you."
"Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it"

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into  one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my  truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said,  "Tire go flat?"
I couldn't  resist.  I said, "Nope.  I was driving around and  those other three  just swelled right up on me.
Here's your sign."

 We were trying to sell our car about a year ago.   A  guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes.  We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then goes, "Darn that's hot!"
See?  If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report.  He went through  his basic questioning...ok...no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked "So...is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself!  I looked at him looked back at the rig and  then back to him and said "no I'm delivering' a bridge...here's your sign."
Submitted by Bud Crookes


July 13, 1999

Age is a Funny Thing

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids?
If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in
fractions.  How old are you?.... "I'm four and a half" .... You're never 36 and a half .... you're four and a half going on five!

That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number.  How old are you?   "I'm gonna be 16".   You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16.

And then the greatest day of your life happens .... you become 21.  Even the words sound like a ceremony .... you BECOME 21 ... YES!!!

But then you turn 30 .... ooohhh what happened there?   Makes you sound like bad milk .... He TURNED,  we had to throw him out.  There's no fun now.

What's wrong??  What changed??   You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40 ..... stay over there, it's all slipping away ........

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50 ..... and your dreams are gone.

Then you MAKE IT to 60 ..... you didn't think you'd make it!!!!

So you BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60 ...... then you build up so much speed you HIT 70!

After that, it's a day by day thing.   After that, you HIT Wednesday .... You get into your 80's, you HIT lunch. My grandmother won't even buy green bananas .... it's an investment you know, and maybe a bad one.

And it doesn't end there .... into the 90's you start going backwards .... I was JUST 92 ...

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again

.... "I'm 100 and a half!!!!"

          Located at - http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Farm/7478/agefunny.htm


January 24, 1999

S L O W D A N C E:

Have you ever watched kids on a merry-go-round
Or listened to the rain slapping on the ground?
Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You better slow down. Don't dance so fast
Time is short. The music won't last.

Do you run through each day on the fly
When you ask 'How are you?' do you hear the reply?
When the day is done, do you lie in your bed
With the next hundred chores running through your head?

You better slow down. Don't dance so fast
Time is short. The music won't last.

Ever told your child, "We'll do it tomorrow"
And in your haste, not see his sorrow?
Ever lost touch, let a good friendship die
'Cause you never had time to call and say Hi.

You better slow down. Don't dance so fast
Time is short. The music won't last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere
You miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry through your day,
It is like an unopened gift....thrown away...

Life is not a race. Do take it slower
Hear the music. Before the song is over.

Contributed by Dr. Dennis Shields, Professor
Albert Einstein College of Medicine, New York
Bud Crookes, Chairman
Probus-Centre Canada, Inc.


January 1999

DON'T QUIT

When things go wrong as they sometimes will;
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill;
When the friends are low, and the debts are high;
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh;
When care is pressing you down a bit;--
Rest if you must, but don't quit
Success is failure turned inside out;
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt;
And you can never tell how close you are;
It may be near when it seems afar
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit---
It's when things go wrong that you mustn't quit
JOE FORD
PE, Rotary CLARK FIELD, PHILIPPINES


November 22, 1998

EXAMINATIONS

A national newspaper recently revealed some of the clangers dropped by this year's GCSE candidates in history, music, religion and classical studies. The misunderstandings and misspellings of our 16-year-olds were compiled by examiners nationwide :-

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they wrote in hydraulics.

The climate of the Sarah is such the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures.  In the first book - Guinessis -
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain asked, "Am I my brother's son?.

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients.

Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him.

Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death his career suffered a dramatic decline.

In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits and the java.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of
March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out "tee hee, Brutus".

Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.

Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In midevil times most people were alliterate.

The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems,
verses and literature.

Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". When she exposed herself before her troops they shouted "Hurrah"

Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure. He invented cigarettes and started
smoking.

Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100ft clipper.

The greatest writer was William Shakespeare, he was born in the year 1564
supposedly on his birthday.

William Shakespeare wrote tragedies, comedies and hysterectomies, all in
Islamic petameter.

Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote.

John Milton wrote Paradise lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise
Regained.

Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn
when apples are falling off the trees.

William Tell shot an arrow through an apple as he stood on his son's head.

Johan Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children.   In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.

Queen Victoria was the longest queen.  She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practised virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

Abraham Lincoln's mother died in infancy and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands.

Can anyone still recall their own "howlers" ?.

Submitted by Tom Green, U.K.


  Oct. 21/98

   SMILE!!!!!
  She smiled at a sorrowful stranger.
  The smile seemed to make him feel better.
  He remembered past kindness of a friend
  And wrote him a thank you letter.
  The friend was so pleased with the thank you
  That he left a large tip after lunch.
  The waitress, surprised by the size of the tip,
  Bet the whole thing on a hunch.
  The next day she picked up her winnings,
  And gave part to a man on the street.
  The man on the street was grateful;
  For two days he'd had nothing to eat.
  After he finished his dinner,
  He left for his small dingy room.
  He didn't know at that moment
  That he might be facing his doom.
  On the way he picked up a shivering puppy
  And took him home to get warm.
  The puppy was very grateful
  To be in out of the storm.
  That night the house caught on fire.
  The puppy barked the alarm.
  He barked till he woke the whole household
  And saved everybody from harm.
  One of the boys that he rescued
  Grew up to be President.
  All this because of a simple smile
  That hadn't cost a cent.
  Submitted by Beverley Burton



  October 18, 1998

FOOD FOR THOUGHT!

We may live without poetry,
         Music and art
We can live without conscience
      and live without heart
We can live without friends
      and we can live without books
But civilized man
      cannot live without cooks.

We may live without books
      What is knowledge but grieving
We may live without hope
      What is hope but deceiving
We may live without love
      What is passion but pining
But where is the man
      That can live without dining?

Submitted by Jethro Crang