Probus Clubs

December 3, 2007

KEVIN THE ROOSTER

Trevor the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had se vera l hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters, to fertilize the pullets’ eggs.

Trevor kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favourite rooster was Kevin, and a very fine specimen he was too, but on this particular morning Trevor noticed Kevin's bell hadn't rung at all!
Trevor went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover but to farmer Trevor's amazement, Kevin had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Trevor was so proud of Kevin, he entered him into the Brisbane Exhibition and Kevin became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The Result?

The judges not only awarded Kevin the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly Kevin was a politician in the making:     Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Do you know a Pullitician called Kevin?.............

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October 1, 2007

THE BLONDE MORTICIAN

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive,
expertly tailored black suit.

The Blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body
dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is
already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in
blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a
blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in
a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake to her delight, she finds her
husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit
fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an
excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

"There's no charge," she says.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!"
she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the blonde says, "It cost nothing. You see, a deceased
gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left
yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she
minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made
no difference as long as he looked nice. So I just switched the heads."
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September 2, 2007

THE MATCHMAKER AND THE VIRTUOUS WOMAN

The matchmaker approached a single woman and told her he had a husband for her. "I'm ashamed to bring this up" he said, "but the man wants to be sure you are compatible in bed. He wants, he says, a sample". The woman was shocked. "Such a thing you ask a virtuous woman? Only a crude person would suggest such a thing? He must be a barnyard animal, not a gentleman!". The matchmaker, trying to earn his fee, said, "Heąs a business man. He buys goods in the market and he sells goods. By him, itąs not such a big deal just a sample". She thought for a moment. Then she said "I don't give samples. If he wants, I can give him references".

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September 2, 2007

MOISHE AND THE POPE

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community.
So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, they could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.
The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple.
The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"And then?" asked a woman.
"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."

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September 2, 2007

A CANADIAN IN AUSTRALIA

This guy from Canada took a holiday to Australia. While touring the outback on a hot day, he stopped in a pub for a drink. He was wearing a fur coat, heavy gloves and a wool toque.
Four Aussies sitting nearby couldn't help staring. One guy finally got up enough nerve to walk over to the man and asked, "Where ya from, mate?"
The Canadian turned to the Aussie and said, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."
The Aussie returned to his seat. One of his buddies asked, "Well, where's he from?"
The guy replied, "Ah, the poor bloke don't speak English."

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August 28, 2007

A MAN AND HIS DENTIST

A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled.

The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man. "No way! No needles! I hate needles!" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects. "I can't do the gas thing, the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!"

The Dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill. "No," the patient says, "I'm fine with pills"

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet."

The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain pill!"

"It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it'll give you Something to hold onto while I pull out
your tooth.
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August 28, 2007

A MAN AND HIS OSTRICH

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money always would always be there."

"That's fantastic!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

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August 11, 2007

JOINING THE CHURCH

A couple wanted to join the church. The pastor told them, "We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the church.
When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.

"You are back so soon... Is there a problem?", the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month." the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened

"Well, the first week was difficult.... however, we managed to abstain through sheer will power." The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. "However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayers, reading from the Bible... anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.
"One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it.
When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over half an hour, and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat" admitted the man, shamefacedly.

The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church."

"We know", said the young man, hanging his head. "But, we're no longer welcome at Home Depot either."

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July 9, 2007

THE NEWFIE AND THE HOOKER

The Newfie was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty dollars . ." she whispers.
He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides, it's only twenty
bucks. So they hide in the bushes.
They're going "at it" for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on
them. It's a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wifie! ," he answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Well," he says, "neider did I bye, til you shined dat damn flashlight in her face!!"

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July 9, 2007

EXERCISES FOR THE OVER 60 CROWD

I just came across this exercise suggested for the over 60's, and the unfit, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It's so easy that I thought that I'd pass it on. The article suggested doing it three days a week.

1. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 2kg potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax.

2. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 5kg potato sacks. Then 25kg potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 50kg potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute (I'm presently at this level).

3. After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

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July 9, 2007

THE LAWYER AND UNITED WAY

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity.
Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children,

one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring a huge array of private tutors?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

And the lawyer says, "So...if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"

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July 9, 2007

TIME FOR EXPLANATIONS ...!!!

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting
off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him of this crazy habit. So one
night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic
session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband
was holding a battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator! Soft,
wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic.
"You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "How could you be lying

to me all of these years? You'd better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and said calmly:
"I'll explain the toy . . You explain the kids."

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July 9, 2007

FREE ADVICE FOR HORSE OWNERS

A thoroughbred horse owner asked his veterinarian for some free advice. "I have a
horse that walks normally sometimes, and sometimes he limps. What should I do?"
The Vet replied, "The next time he walks normally, sell him."

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July 9, 2007

SENIORS' PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT

An couple in their 80's were about to get married.

She said: I want to keep my house.
He said that's fine with me.

She said: And I want to keep my Cadillac.
He said: That's fine with me.

She said: And I want to have sex 6 times a week.

He said: That's fine with me...Put me down for Fridays

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June 9, 2006

THE MEMORIAL STONE

A woman's husband dies. He had left $30,000 to be used for an elaborate
funeral. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she
tells her closest friend that "there is absolutely nothing left from the
$30,000."

The friend asks, "How can that be?"

The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost was $6,500. And of course I made
a donation to the church -- that was $500, and I spent another $500 for
the wake, food and drinks -- you know. The rest went for the memorial
stone."

The friend says, "$22,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big is it?"

The widow says, "Four and a half carats."

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April 20, 2006

TAX TIME

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says: "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc, and then asks,

"What is your occupation?" "I'm a whore," she says.

The accountant balks and says, "No, No, No, that won't work; too explicit."

"Let's try to rephrase that." The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."

"Sorry, that still won't do. Try again."

They both think for a minute, then the woman says, "How about 'elite chicken farmer'."

Stunned, the accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a high-end call girl?"

"Well" she says, "I raised over a thousand little peckers last year."

......."Good enough!"

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April 20, 2006

MY PRIVATE PART DIED TODAY

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died today, and I'm very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences.

The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."

But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, " I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"

"Well," he replied, "Today's the viewing."

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April 19, 2006

THE LONELY LADY

There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who would treat her nicely, wouldn't run away from her and would be good in bed. Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.

"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."

"Yes, but are you good in bed?"

"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

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April 19, 2006

THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

Man: "Hello."

Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club"?

Man: "Yes."

Woman: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it okay if I buy it"?

Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one that I really liked."

Man: "How much"?

Woman: "$90,000."

Man: "Okay, but for that price, I want it with all the options."

Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It's really a pretty good price."

Woman: "Okay. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

Man: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He smiles and asks, "Anyone know who this phone belongs to"?

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April 19, 2006

AN ELDERLY COUPLE STORY

An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she

leans over and says, "I just had a silent fart what do you think I should do?"

He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

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April 19, 2006

IRISH RAILWAYS COMPLAINT

The following is an exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company:

Gentlemen,

I have been riding trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.

Yours truly,

Patrick Finnegan

Dear Mr. Finnegan,

We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.

Sincerely,

Larnrod Eireann

Gentlemen,

I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!

Patrick Finnegan ______________________________________________________________________________

April 19, 2006

THREE THIRSTY TRAVELERS

Three thirsty travelers, an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scot sat down next to each other in a pub and ordered a pint. All three having been delivered, an odd thing happened: three flies which had been buzzing around suddenly dropped -one -into the foam on the top of each of the pints.

The Englishman pushed his pint away in disgust.

The Scot very carefully removed the fly from the foam, gave it a single shake and put the glass to his lips.

The Irishman deftly grabbed the fly and started patting it on the back saying "Spit that back you little bastard."

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April 20, 2006

BOB'S STORY

It's very important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Bob. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Debbie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Debbie to get a full-time job along with her part time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it's difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Debbie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.....

Signed,

Bob

EDITOR'S NOTE: Bob died suddenly on May 27th. The police report says that he was found with a Calloway golf club rammed up his ass. His wife Debbie was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that he accidentally sat down on it very suddenly.

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April 19, 2006

THE MALE MAMMOGRAM

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.

A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the
bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the
bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is
screaming.

"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,
something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."

With that the bartender opens the door to looks in and says...

"You idiot! You're sitting on the damned mop bucket!"

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June 15, 2005

MOISHE

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Moishe."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Moishe Glickman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Moishe every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Moishe. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something, huh?"

Cabbie: "He had a memory like a computer and could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy eh?

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get into them"

Passenger: "Mmm, not many like that around"

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Moishe."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabbie: "I married his widow."

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June 15, 2005

THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER

When the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, a lady kept hinting to her husband that he should get it fixed. But, somehow the message never sank in.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When her husband arrived home one day, he found her seated in the long grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

He was gone only a few moments. When he came out again. He handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalks."

His doctor says he may well walk again, but will most likely have a permanent limp.

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June 13, 2005

A CHANGE OF MIND

A husband, in his back yard, is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

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June 13, 2005

THE TRUTH SOMETIMES HURTS

A wife comes home early from work one day only to find her husband in bed with a strange woman.

She says, "That's it, I'm leaving and never coming back."

He says, "Don't you at least want to hear my explanation?"

She shrugs and says, "Fine, let's hear your story. And this had better be good!"

He says, "Well, I'm driving along the street, when I see this young lady in torn clothes, no shoes, all muddy and crying. I took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned up in my house. She climbed into my truck and I brought her home. She took a shower, I gave her the underwear that doesn't fit you any more, the silk blouse and slacks that I bought you two years ago that you wore once, the $150 Nike running shoes you bought and wore only twice. I even gave her some of the roast beef you had in the fridge, that you never served me. I showed her to the door . She was so grateful for all these things, and she thanked me profusely. But then, as she was about to leave she turned around and asked me........ "Is there anything else your wife doesn't use any more?"

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December 2, 2004

PEANUTS

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on the shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts which he gratefully accepts and proceeds to munch.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture eight more times.

On the ninth occasion he asks the little old lady why she and the other passengers don't eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that it's not possible because of their old teeth. They simply are unable to chew them.

"Why do you buy them then?" he asks.

"We like the chocolate coating."
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November 17, 2004

LOVE POTION

After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform.

He goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor says, "I can cure this."

He throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say 123, and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"

"All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned, It will not work again for another year."

The guy goes home, and that night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion.

After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123", and suddenly he gets an erection just as the witch doctor said.

His wife was facing the other way and turns over and says, "What did you say 123 for?"

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November 17, 2004

ELDER LOVERS

One night an 87 yr old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 yr old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment... killing him instantly. Brought before the court on a charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.

She began coolly, "Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex... he could fly.."

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October 25, 2004

POLISH SAUSAGE

A guy rushes into a store and tells the clerk,
"I'd like some Polish sausage."

The clerk looks at him and asks,
"Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says,
"Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I'd asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I'd asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I'd asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I'd asked for a chorizo, would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"

The clerk says sheepishly,
"Well, no."

With deep, self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies,
"Because this is Home Depot."
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October 25, 2004

THE PARK FLASHER

Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude, and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat. Gertrude immediately had a stroke. Then Maude also had a stroke. But Tilly, being older and much more feeble, couldn't reach that far. Bless her heart.

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October 25, 2004

THE OBSERVANT DRUNK.

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a 4-litres of 2% milk, a dozen eggs, a litre of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

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October 16, 2004

ADMISSION TO HEAVEN

A guy dies and goes to heaven. He goes through the Pearly Gates and sees two doors. One door has a long line of men at it and the other has just one guy standing in front of it.

He says to Saint Peter, "What's with the two doors?"

Saint Peter replies, "Well, the door with the long line is for men who were henpecked their whole lives and the other door is for men who weren't henpecked at all."

The guy's curious so he goes up to the guy who's standing all alone.

He says, "What are you doing here?"

The other guy says, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

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October 13, 2004

THERE'S NO GAME LIKE IT..!!

One day a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy negligee.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So, he tied her up and went golfing.
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October 13, 2004

FIXED INCOME A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going, and she replied, "I'm going to Las Vegas." He questioned her as to why she was going, and she told him, "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free." He pondered that for a while, went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch and his wife. She said, "And just where do you think you are going?" He replied, "I'm going, too." "Why?" she asked. He said, "I want to see how you're going to live on $800.00 a year." ______________________________________________________________________________

September 5, 2004

VASELINE SURVEY

A market researcher knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken aback.

He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, we know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, would you tell me in
what manner you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband puts it on the bedroom door knob and it keeps the kids out."
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August 29, 2004

THE FARMER'S BULL

A cattle rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the breeding fee from the bank. The banker lends him the money and comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing.

The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker tells the farmer that he knows a great veterinarian and that he'll send him out the next day to check out the bull.

The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped.

The farmer looks very pleased and tells the banker, "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor's cows."

"Wow," says the banker. "What did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave him some pills," replies the farmer.

"What kind of pills?" asks the banker.

"I don't know," says the smiling farmer, "but they sort of taste like peppermint."

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July 20, 2004

THE UNDERSTANDING WIFE

A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well that's the last straw," says the wife.

"I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember,  if we get a divorce, it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac Escalade in the garage, and no more country club, and we'll have to sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller homes, but the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

"Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

She replies, "Ours is prettier."

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June 30, 2004

THE FIFTIETH ANNIVERSARY PLANS

Sol, Morris and Irving were chatting at a restaurant. They sat down at a table while waiting to be served. Sol said; "Morris! Isn't this your 50th anniversary? "

Morris replies! "Yep."

"Well," Sol asked, "What are you planning on doing to celebrate?"

Morris replies, "Well I remember taking my wife to Phoenix, Arizona on our 25th anniversary."

Irving asked, "So what are your plans for your 50th anniversary?"

Morris replies, "I'm thinking of going back to pick her up"
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June 28, 2004

THE ENGAGEMENT RING

An elderly white haired gentleman walked into a jeweler's shop late one Friday, with a beautiful young lady on his arm. "I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend," he said.

The jeweler looks through his stock, and takes out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000.

"I don't think you understand ... I want something very unique," the old man said.

At that, the jeweler went and fetched his special stock from the safe. "Here's one stunning ring at $50,000." The girls' eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it. "How are you paying?"

"I'll pay by cheque, but of course the bank would want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write the cheque and you can phone the bank Monday morning, then I'll fetch the ring on Monday evening."

Monday morning a very pissed off jeweler phones the man. "You old bastard, you lied, there's no money in that account."

"I know, but can you imagine what a fantastic weekend I had!"
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June 24, 2004

THE BLIND MAN AND HIS DOG

A blind man was standing on the street corner with his dog when the dog raised his leg and peed on the man's trouser leg. The man reached in his pocket and took out a doggie biscuit.

A busybody who had been watching ran up to him and said, "You shouldn't do that. He'll never learn anything if you reward him when he does something like that!".

The blind man retorted, "I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find which end his head is on, so that I can kick his ass."

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April 7, 2004

A SMALL WHITE DOT

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.

"It's a period," he replied. “I see that," said the teacher, "but what is so exciting about a period?"

"Darned if I know," he said, "but this morning my sister was missing one, Mommy fainted, Daddy had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined the army."

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April 6, 2004

IN COURT TODAY

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked,

"What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It's made of concrete, bricks and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He says he can't communicate with me."

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April 6, 2004

ORDER IN THE COURT

Defense Attorney: What is your age?

Little old Woman: I'm 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to
you on the first of April of this year?

Little old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front
porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the
porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner
passed away some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little old Woman: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and
excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just laid down and
said to him..."Take me. young man...Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little old Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, "April Fool!" ...
And that's when I shot the little bastard!
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Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent. The last instruction they receive from the Mother Superior is that they must not get even one drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock on the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug. Deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man as he steps inside, "where do you want the blinds?"
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A priest wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third.

The next day the local paper carried this headline: PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS The priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.

The local paper read: PRIEST'S ASS OUT FRONT The Bishop was so upset with this! kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the priest to get rid of the donkey. The priest decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00 This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The bishop was buried the next day.

A farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Ralph. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

Well, Ralph the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Ralph.

The farmer takes Ralph home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Ralph seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Ralph takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Ralph nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Ralph is in there. Later, the farmer sees Ralph after a flock of geese down by the lake.

Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Ralph out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Ralph on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air.

Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Ralph, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Ralph opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhhh! They're getting closer."
____________________________________________________________________________

Harvey the golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news." says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to amputate your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm! I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant"

"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great" says the business man. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." "That's great." said the surgeon

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors"

"Unbelievable!" exclaimed the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success and I'm glad you didn't have side effects."

Well just one problem," said the golfer, "every time I get an erection I also get a headache!"

THE ALABAMA PREACHER

The Alabama preacher rose with an angry red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic, rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and voice quivered as she spoke.

"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klan. I told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets!"
______________________________________________________________________________

Jim and Edna were patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Edna's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Edna the news he said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged. Since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom shortly after you saved him. I'm so sorry, but he's dead."

"He didn't hang himself," Edna replied, "I hung him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
____________________________________________________________________________

Father O'Malley answers the phone:

"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"

"It is"

"This is Revenue Canada. We were wondering if you could help us?"

"I'll certainly try"

"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

"I do"

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is"

"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"

"He will".

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theatre built in the house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600."

The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read it anymore because she can't see very well. I met this priest who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty priests 12 years to teach
him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you give me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only one of my fours sons who had the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

____________________________________________________________________________

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."

The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a motorcycle."

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ARE YOU A REAL COWBOY..??

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Hell, I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
__________________________________________________________________________

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed, then the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its aboot time you let me pewt ma hand on yer knee."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee.

Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad, nodding. The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

And he said, "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost."

"I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again"

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COMIC RELIEF...WITH THANKS TO EVERYONE FOR "NEW"JOKES!