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COMIC RELIEF...WITH THANKS TO EVERYONE FOR "NEW"JOKES!

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"Time spent laughing is time spent with the gods"...Japanese proverb


February 8, 2017 

TRUE MARITAL COMPASSION

Two elderly ladies meet at the market after not seeing each other for some time.

One asked how the other's husband was doing.

"Oh! Rodger died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped dead right there in the vegetable patch."

"Oh dear, I'm sorry," replied her friend, "What did you do?" 

“Opened a can of peas instead”

Submitted by a member of the Bracebridge Probus Club  


February 8, 2017 

ENTERING THE PEARLY GATES AT CHRISTMAS

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve.

They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven.

On entering they must present something relating to or associated with Christmas.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a Christmas Cracker, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

His reply... "They're Carol's

Submitted by a member of the Bracebridge Probus Club 


February 8, 2017 

MORE MINISTERIAL HUMOUR

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than
they were expecting to pay for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick
and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. 

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement
about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said,

"Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "O Canada."

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

Submitted by a member of the Bracebridge Probus Club  


February 8, 2017 

A LITTLE MINISTERIAL HUMOUR

A minister parked her car in a no-parking zone in a large city because she was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. 

Then she put a note under the windshield wiper that read:

"I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."

When she returned, she found a citation from a police officer along with this note:

"I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

Submitted by a member of the Bracebridge Probus Club 


February 8, 2017 

MORE IRISH HUMOUR

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning.

It was a fine spring day in his new Ottawa Parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was . . . A donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the 24 Sussex Drive .

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Justin Trudeau, Prime Minister of Canada, how might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Patrick's Cathedral just up the road.

There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer RCMP lads over to take care of the matter?"

Trudeau , considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the Irish accent, thinking he would have a little fun with the good father, replied,

"Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a moment . . . .

Father O'Malley then replied:

"Aye,' tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

Submitted by a member of the Wasaga Beach Men's Probus Club


May 28, 2016 

A PARABLE TO MEDITATE UPON IN OUR POLITICALLY CORRECT SOCIETY

 

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey, and the old man walked.

As they went along they passed some people who remarked "What a shame, the old man is walking, the boy is riding." The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later they passed some people who remarked "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk". So they decided they'd both walk.

Soon they passed some more people who remarked "They're really stupid to walk when they have a decent donkey to ride."  So they both decided to ride the donkey.

They passed some people who shamed them by saying "How awful to put such a load on a poor donkey." The boy and the man figured they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the donkey, the donkey fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story: If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass goodbye.

 

Submitted by a member of the Wasaga Beach Men's Probus Club

 


 

May 3, 2016 

 

KNOCKING ON HEAVENS DOOR

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said,

“I want the men to make two lines: One line for the men who were true heads of their household,  and the other line for the men who

were dominated by their women.”
 
“I want all the women to report to St. Peter.”
 
Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men.
 
The line of men who were dominated by their wives was hundreds of miles long and in the line

of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
 
God said to the long line, “You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created each of you to be the head of your household!”
 
“You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose!”
 
“Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him.”
 
God turned to the one man, “How did you manage to be the only one in this line?” 

The man replied, “This is where my wife told me to stand.” 

Submitted by a member of the Wasaga Beach Men's Probus Club 


 

April 28, 2016

 

THE ARAB AND THE SCOTSMAN

 

An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose.

As the gentleman had an extremely rare t​ype of blood that couldn't be found locally, the call went out around the world.  

Finally a Scotsman was located who had the same rare blood type. After some coaxing, the Scot donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman a new BMW, a diamond necklace for his wife, and $100,000 US dollars in appreciation for the blood donation.

A few months later, the Arab had to undergo a corrective surgerical procedure.

Once again, his doctor telephoned the Scotsman who this time was more than happy to donate his blood.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.

He then phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be more generous than that - last time you sent me a BMW, diamonds and money, but this time you only sent me a lousy thank-you card and a crappy box of chocolates ?" 

To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins". 

Submitted by a member of the Qualicum Beach Probus Club 

 


April 19, 2016

 

AT THE NEW SENIORS' COMPLEX

  

On the first day at the new seniors complex, the manager addressed all the new seniors pointing out some of the rules:

"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male quarters to the females.

Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, 

"Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60.

Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180.

Are there any questions?"

An older gentleman stood up in the crowd and inquired:

"How much for a season pass ??? 

Abstracted from the Wasaga Sunbirds Women's Probus Club Newsletter

 


 

March 17, 2016  

 

THE NEWFIE SPORTSMAN 


A Newfoundlander was stopped by a Game Warden recently with two ice chests full of live fish. 

He was leavin' a cove well known for its fishing.

The Game Warden stopped him and asked "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"No, sir," replied the Newfoundlander. "Got no license. I don't need one. You must understand, b'y, dese fish are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?" says the Warden.

"Yeah. Dat's de trut' b'y. Every night, I takes dese fish down to de cove and lets 'em swim 'round for awhile.
Den, when I whistles, dey jumps right back into dese ice chests, and I takes 'em 'ome."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that."

The Newfoundlander looked at the Warden for a moment and then said, "It's de trut sir. I'll show ya.  It really works."

"Okay," said the Warden. "I've got to see this!"

The Newfoundlander stood on a rock and poured the fish into the cove. Then he stood and looked out to sea.

After several minutes, the Warden says, "Well?"

"Well, what?," says the Newfoundlander.
 
The Warden says, "When are you going to call them back?'"
 
"Call who back?"
 
"The FISH,"  replied the Warden!
 
"What fish?"  replied the Newfoundlander.

Moral of the Story: We may not be as smart as some, but by the Lard tundering, we ain't as dumb as some Government employees!
 

Submitted by a member of the Wasaga Beach Men's Probus Club


February 26, 2016

 

THE ENGLISMAN AND THE SCOTSMAN

An Englishman says to his friend, the Scotsman, that he has a perfect way of eating for free in restaurants.

"I go in at well past 9 oclock in the evening, eat several courses slowly, linger over coffee, port and a cigar. Come 2 a.m., as they are clearing everything away, I just keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay.
 
Then I say: 'I've already paid your colleague, who has left.'"
 
The Scotsman is impressed, and says: "Let's try it together, this evening."
 
So the Scotsman books them into a restaurant and come 2 oclock they are both still quietly sitting there after a very full meal. Sure enough, a waiter comes over and asks them to pay.
 
The Englishman just says: "I've already paid your colleague who has left."
 
And the Scotsman adds: "And we are still waiting for the change!"
 

Submitted by a member of the Wasaga Beach Men's Probus Club


 

February 25, 2016  

 

SIAMESE TWINS

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the
hip.  I'm John, he's Jim.  Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite
conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to England next month," says John.  "We go to England every year,
rent a car and drive for miles.  Don't we, Jim?"  Jim agrees.

"Ah,  England!" says the bartender.  "Wonderful country... the
history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John.  "Hamburgers and
Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English
they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

Submitted by a member of the Wasaga Beach Men's Probus Club


 

February 18, 2016  

Irish hunting trip

Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip.  They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week bear hunting.

They managed to bag
six.  As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only four bear.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded and the plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even
at full power the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the
bear carcasses, only Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year." 
 

Submitted by a member of the Wasaga Beach Men's Probus Club


 

February 11, 2016  

The Art of a Deal

A middle-aged frumpy couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde.

"I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $75,000 asking price," said the man. "Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $65,000 to that lovely young lady there. You insisted there could be no discount on this model."

"Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash and, just look at her, how could I resist?" replied the grinning salesman.

Just then the young woman approached the middle-aged couple and gave them the keys.

"There you go," she said. "I told you I would get the dope to reduce it. See you later, dad."

Never mess with the old people!

Submitted by a member of the Wasaga Beach Men's Probus Club who wishes to remain anonymous


 

February 11, 2016 

Southern Divorce....

Judge to a South Carolina woman: "What are the grounds for your divorce?" 

Woman: "About  four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream  running by."

Judge: "No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

Woman:
 "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar. “

Judge: "I mean, what are your relations like?"

Woman: "I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."

Judge: "Do you have a real grudge?"

Woman: "No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car."

Judge: "Please, is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

Woman: "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap tap - but we can't seem to do anything about it."

Judge: "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

Woman: "Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee."

Judge: "Is your husband a nagger?"

Woman: "Oh, hell no, he's as white as you and me!"

Judge: "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce?"

Woman: "Oh, I don't want a divorce. I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The damn fool says he can't communicate with me."
 

Submitted by an Anonymous Probian correspondent in N.B.


 

February 4, 2016

 

You’ve Got to Laugh!

A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driv-er is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed. The officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit and offensive terms. The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and de-mands to know what it stands for. The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an a**hole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to

seeing the man run through the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an AH, underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

 

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir.

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for a**hole?"

“Well, sir, you know your client better than I do”.

Abstracted from the Qualicum Beach Probus Newsletter 


January 21, 2016

THE ATHEIST AND THE SMART LITTLE GIRL

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned

to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike

up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total

stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,

or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask

you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same

stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns

out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,

thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which

the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss

God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book.


February 27, 2014

IRISH SAWMILL ACCIDENT

Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick.  The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".

Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.

So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital..

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".

And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.

Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."

"No", says the nurse, "Some dopey b*****d put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.    


February 27, 2014

THREE OLD MEN 

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions.

One seventy-five year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."

An eighty year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The ninety year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow."

"So what's your problem?" asked the others.

"I don't wake up until nine."

Abstracted from the Burlington Lakes Probus Newsletter


August 22, 2013

THE MYSTIC

In a dark and hazy room the Mystic delivered grave news: “There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll

just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”

The wife stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. 

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. Then she met the Fortune 

Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

Abstracted from the Qualicum Beach Probus Newsletter


August 22, 2013

THE GOLFING BRIDEGROOM 

Jim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, shortly after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes. 

His wife was standing there watching him. After a long period of silence she finally says, 

“Honey, I've been thinking. Now that we are married I think it's time you quit playing golf.

Maybe you should sell your golf clubs.”

Jim gets this horrified look on his face.

“Darling, what's wrong?” she asks.

“There for a minute then you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

“Ex-wife!” she screams, “I didn't know you’d been married before!”

“I wasn't!”

Abstracted from the Qualicum Beach Probus Newsletter


August 20, 2013

THE OCTOGENARIAN CRUISING BIRTHDAY GIRL?

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.

As the bartender gives her the drink she says  "I'm on this cruise to celebrate My 80th birthday and it's today." 

The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink In fact, this one's on me."

As the woman finishes her drink the woman to her right says "I'd like to buy you a drink, too."

The old woman says 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming up" says the bartender

As she finishes that drink the man to her left says "I'd like to buy you one, too."

The old woman says "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming right up" says the bartender.

As he gives her the drink says "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor... Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'


July 30, 2013

GRANDPA, WHAT IS COUPLE SEX?

An 5-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is a couple sex?

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question then she's old enough to get a straight answer.

Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities that go along with it.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?

The little girl replied, "Well, Grandma says to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.


July 30, 2013

SUNBATHING AU NATUREL

A rather well built woman, Joan, spent almost all of her vacation time
sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. The first day she sunbathed, she wore a
red bathing suit. However on the second day, she felt a little more
adventurous. She slipped out of it in order to get an overall tan figuring
that no one could see her way up there.

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was
lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said a flustered little (out of breath) assistant manager
of the hotel. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof, but we
would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday!"


"What difference does it make", Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me
up here on the roof and besides, I'm covered with a towel."


"With all due respect, not exactly ma'am," said the embarrassed little man.

"You're lying on the dining room skylight."

Thanks to a member of the Sunbirds Ladies Probus Club of Wasaga Beach who will remain anonymous


April 18, 2013

HIGH INTRIGUE

"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked my wife.

"No" I said.

She gave me a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

"Have you ever seen a fifty dollar bill all crumpled up?" she asked.

"No" I said.

She gave me another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

"Now" she said .... "Have you ever seen 50,000 dollars all crumpled up?

"No" I said, intrigued.

"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage...."

Abstracted from the Qualicum Beach Probus Newsletter


April 18, 2013

CHINESE SICK LEAVE

Wong Chow calls his employer and says "I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt. I no come work..."

The boss says, "You know something Wong Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick, I go to my wife and I tell her to give me love. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that..."

Two hours later Wong Chow calls again ... "I do what you say and now I feel great ... I be at work soon .... You got nice house!"

Abstracted from the Qualicum Beach Probus Newsletter


April 18, 2013

ENGLISH STIFF UPPER LIP

On a train from London to Manchester, an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much.
You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us.
Look at me... I'm ME! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood, and some Aborigine blood.. 
What do you say to that ?"


The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"

Thanks to a member of the Probus Club of Wasaga Beach who wishes to maintain anonymity


April 15, 2013

THE TRAVELING PRIEST

A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her,

'Father, may I ask a favor?'

'Of course my child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs Limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

The priest answered: 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The Official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on women, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead Father. Next!'

Thanks the ladies of Probus at the Beach


April 13, 2013

CARING GRANDPA

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle, and for fruit, cereal and drinks in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, granddad is working his way around, saying in a gentle controlled voice, "Easy William, we won't be long. . . Easy boy".
Another outburst and she hears the granddad calmly say again. "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the check-out, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax mate, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes. Stay cool, William." Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. The whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William. The little bastard's name is Kevin . . . . "


ELDERLY LADY

An elderly lady met an old friend. When the friend asked how she was the lady replied, "I'm not too bad but my husband passed away last week. He went into the garden to cut a head of cabbage from his vegetable garden. As he bent down he suffered a massive heart attack and died". "What did you do?" asked her friend. "What could I do", replied the first lady, "I had to open a tin of peas".


June 13, 2012

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE

80-year old Bessie bursts into the recreation room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, 'Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!'  An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, 'An elephant?' 

Bessie thinks a minute and says, 'Close enough.' 


June 11, 2012

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, 
to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good  morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time,
I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners...


'Go away!' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!''
and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed  it wide open...
''Don't be too hasty!'' he said.  ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration..''

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.


''Now, if this  vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure
from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat
the remainder.''

The old lady stepped back and said, ''Well let me get you  a fork,

'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."


April 14, 2012

HOT AIR BALLOON

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. Latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. Longitude."

"You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.

"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below says "You must be a manager."

"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."


May 22, 2011

                                ATTEMPTED SUICIDE

Paddy's in jail.  The Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself," Paddy replies.

"It should be round your neck," says the guard.

"I tried that," says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe."


May 22, 2011

                                SHOCKING NEWS

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.

They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"

Shocked, I answered, "Yes."

They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."

I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality and she's so good with the dog."  

 


June 2, 2010

                                RAINING IN TORONTO 

A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a cab in Toronto.

It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.
"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.

The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez  lady, why don't you tell him
the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money"

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, Mom?"

His mother, glaring hard at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, what happens to the
babies those women have?"

"Most of them become Toronto cab drivers" she said.

 


April 27, 2009

                                THE BRAN FLAKES 

The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years.
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they
watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to 
the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation 
and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside.

He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks,
with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.

A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven.  
This will be your home now.'


The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven..'

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship 
golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..

'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied.  'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch,
with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to 
steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man.  'This is Heaven, it is all 
free for you to enjoy.'


The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the 
decaffeinated tea?,'
he asked.

'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied.  'You can eat and drink as
much as you like, of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'


The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or....'


'Never again, all you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said,

'You and your f...ing Bran Flakes..  We could have been here ten years ago!'


April 19, 2009

THE LION TAMER

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up to apply for the position. One is a very fit looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her magnificent naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor.

He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get the damn lion out of the way." 

April 19, 2009

                                                       IT'S HELL GETTING OLD ...!!!

OLD people have problems that most of haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was asked by his doctor to provide a sperm sample as part of his annual physical exam. The doctor gave him a sterile glass jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old  man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.  

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained.

"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried  with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her  right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her  mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still  nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried  too. First with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried  squeezing it between her knees, but still  nothing."
          
The doctor was shocked!  "You asked your neighbour?"
 
The old man replied,
"Yep, none of us could get the jar open..."

 


 

April 18, 2009

SENIOR CANADIANS

 

A group of Canadian Probians was traveling by tour bus through Holland.  As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that only goat's milk was used.  She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.  'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce..'  She then asked, 'What do you do in Canada with your old goats?'  A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!

 


 

April 18, 2009

WISDOM COMES WITH AGE 

 

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.  His buddies at the club are all aghast.  At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend?  She's my wife!'  They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'  'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'  Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

 


 

April 18, 2009

BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS

 

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'All for me?'

'Just take two,'
Brenda replied.  'The rest are for your father.'

 


 

 

April 18, 2009

CHURCH BENEFACTOR

 

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon.. Damned good!'

The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No shit?'


 

 

April 18, 2009

TEENAGE DATING

 

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,

'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'


 

April 9, 2009

RUBBER CHECK

A man walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. Paying for
them, he bursts into laughter and walks out of the store. The next day he comes in again,
again buys condoms, and again walks out laughing. Thinking this is somewhat strange,
the pharmacist asks his assistant to follow the man if he comes back. Sure enough, the
man comes in the next day and walks out laughing. This time the assistant goes after him, returning 20 minutes later.

"So did you follow him?" asks the pharmacist.

"Yup."

"Where did he go?"

"Your house."

______________________________________________________________________________________

 

April 9, 2009

WHAT'S UP DOC?

A guy goes to his doctor because he’s been having problems remembering things. After a battery of tests the doctor says, "Unfortunately, I have bad news, and I have very bad
news."

"What’s the very bad news?" the man asks warily.

"Well," says the doctor, "our tests show that you have cancer and only have three weeks to live."

"Oh, my God!" says the man. "Well, what’s the bad news?"

"Our tests indicate that you also have Alzheimer’s disease," says the doc.

"Well, I can always look on the bright side," says the man. "At least I don’t have cancer!"

______________________________________________________________________________________

 

October 1, 2007

 

                                    THE BLONDE MORTICIAN 

 

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, 
expertly tailored black suit.


The Blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body
dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is
already wearing.


The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in
blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a
blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in
a blue suit for the viewing."


The woman returns the next day for the wake to her delight, she finds her
husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit
fits him perfectly.


She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an
excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.


"There's no charge,"
she says.


"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!"
she says.


"Honestly, ma'am," the blonde says, "It cost nothing. You see, a deceased
gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left
yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she
minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made
no difference as long as he looked nice. So I just switched the heads." 

______________________________________________________________________________

 

September 2, 2007

THE MATCHMAKER AND THE VIRTUOUS WOMAN

The matchmaker approached a single woman and told her he had a husband for her. "I'm ashamed to bring this up" he said, "but the man wants to be sure you are compatible in bed. He wants, he says, a sample". The woman was shocked. "Such a thing you ask a virtuous woman? Only a crude person would suggest such a thing? He must be a barnyard animal, not a gentleman!". The matchmaker, trying to earn his fee, said, "He¹s a business man. He buys goods in the market and he sells goods. By him, it¹s not such a big deal just a sample". She thought for a moment. Then she said "I don't give samples. If he wants, I can give him references".

__________________________________________________________________________

 

September 2, 2007

 

MOISHE AND THE POPE

 

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community.
So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, they could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.
The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple.
The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"And then?" asked a woman.
"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."

__________________________________________________________________________________

 

September 2, 2007

 

                                                    A CANADIAN IN AUSTRALIA

 

This guy from Canada took a holiday to Australia. While touring the outback on a hot day, he stopped in a pub for a drink.  He was wearing a fur coat, heavy gloves and a wool toque.
Four Aussies sitting nearby couldn't help staring. One guy finally got up enough nerve to walk over to the man and asked, "Where ya from, mate?"
The Canadian turned to the Aussie and said, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."
The Aussie returned to his seat. One of his buddies asked, "Well, where's he from?"
The guy replied, "Ah, the poor bloke don't speak English."

__________________________________________________________________________________

 

August 28, 2007

A MAN AND HIS DENTIST

A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled.

The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man. "No way! No needles! I hate needles!" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects. "I can't do the gas thing, the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!"

The Dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill. "No," the patient says, "I'm fine with pills"

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet."

The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain pill!"

"It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it'll give you Something to hold onto while I pull out
your tooth.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

August 28, 2007

A MAN AND HIS OSTRICH

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money always would always be there."

"That's fantastic!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

_________________________________________________________________________________________

August 11, 2007
 
                                                  JOINING THE CHURCH

 
A couple wanted to join the church. The pastor told them, "We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the church.
When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.

"You are back so soon... Is there a problem?", the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month." the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened 

"Well, the first week was difficult.... however, we managed to abstain through sheer will power." The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. "However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayers, reading from the Bible... anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.
"One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it.
When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over half an hour, and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat"
admitted the man, shamefacedly.

The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church."

"We know", said the young man, hanging his head. "But, we're no longer welcome at Home Depot either."

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

July 9, 2007

 

THE NEWFIE AND THE HOOKER

The Newfie was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows. 
"Twenty dollars . ." she whispers.
He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides, it's only twenty 
bucks. So they hide in the bushes.
They're going "at it" for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on 
them. It's a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wifie! ," he answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Well,"
he says, "neider did I bye, til you shined dat damn flashlight in her face!!"

 

__________________________________________________________________________________

 

July 9, 2007

EXERCISES FOR THE OVER 60 CROWD

I just came across this exercise suggested for the over 60's, and the unfit, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders.  It's so easy  that I thought that I'd pass it on. The article suggested doing it three days a week.


1.  Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.  With a 2kg potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.  Try to reach a full minute, then relax.


2.  Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.   After a couple of weeks, move up to 5kg potato sacks.  Then 25kg potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 50kg potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute (I'm presently at this level).


3.  After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

 

____________________________________________________________________________________

 

July 9, 2007

THE LAWYER AND UNITED WAY

 
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.  So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
 
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed,  the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."
 
"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring a huge array of private tutors?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."
And the lawyer says, "So...if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"

__________________________________________________________________________

 

July 9, 2007

FREE ADVICE FOR HORSE OWNERS

 
A thoroughbred horse owner asked his veterinarian for some free advice. "I  have a
horse that walks normally sometimes, and sometimes he limps. What should I do?"
The Vet replied, "The next time he walks normally, sell him."

_________________________________________________________________________

July 9, 2007

SENIORS' PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT


An couple in their 80's were about to get married.

She said: I want to keep my house.
He said that's fine with me.

She said: And I want to keep my Cadillac.
He said: That's fine with me.

She said: And I want to have sex 6 times a week.

He said: That's fine with me...Put me down for Fridays

_____________________________________________________________________

June 9, 2006

THE MEMORIAL STONE

A woman's husband dies. He had left $30,000 to be used for an elaborate
funeral. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she
tells her closest friend that "there is absolutely nothing left from the
$30,000."


The friend asks, "How can that be?"

The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost was $6,500. And of course I made
a donation to the church -- that was $500, and I spent another $500 for
the wake, food and drinks -- you know. The rest went for the memorial
stone."


The friend says, "$22,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big is it?"

The widow says, "Four and a half carats."

_____________________________________________________________________________

 

June 4, 2006

MY PRIVATE PART DIED TODAY


 An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.


Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.


"Yes, Nurse Tracy,"
said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died today, and I'm very sad."


Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences.


The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.


"Mr. Goldstein,"
she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."


But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, " I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."


"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"

 

"Well," he replied, "Today's the viewing."

________________________________________________________________________________

April 19, 2006

THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

Man: "Hello."

Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club"?

Man: "Yes."

Woman: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it okay if I buy it"?

Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one that I really liked."

Man: "How much"?

Woman: "$90,000."

Man: "Okay, but for that price, I want it with all the options."

Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It's really a pretty good price."

Woman: "Okay. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

Man: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He smiles and asks, "Anyone know who this phone belongs to"?

________________________________________________________________________________

April 19, 2006

AN ELDERLY COUPLE STORY

An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she

leans over and says, "I just had a silent fart what do you think I should do?"
 
He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

____________________________________________________________________________

April 19, 2006

IRISH RAILWAYS COMPLAINT

The following is an exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company:

Gentlemen,

I have been riding trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day.  I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip.  I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.

Yours truly,

Patrick Finnegan

Dear Mr. Finnegan,

We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history.  The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.

Sincerely,

Larnrod Eireann

Gentlemen,

I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history.  If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.  That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!

Patrick Finnegan  

______________________________________________________________________________ 

April 19, 2006

THREE THIRSTY TRAVELERS

Three thirsty travelers, an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scot sat down next to each other in a pub and ordered a pint. All three having been delivered, an odd thing happened: three flies which had been buzzing around suddenly dropped -one -into the foam on the top of each of the pints.

The Englishman pushed his pint away in disgust.

The Scot very carefully removed the fly from the foam, gave it a single shake and put the glass to his lips.

The Irishman deftly grabbed the fly and started patting it on the back saying "Spit that back you little bastard."

____________________________________________________________________________

April 20, 2006

BOB'S STORY

It's very important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Bob. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Debbie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Debbie to get a full-time job along with her part time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it's difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Debbie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.....

Signed,

Bob  

EDITOR'S NOTE: Bob died suddenly on May 27th. The police report says that he was found with a Calloway golf club rammed up his backside.  His wife Debbie was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that he accidentally sat down on it very suddenly.

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April 19, 2006

THE MALE MAMMOGRAM

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.

A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the
bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the
bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is
screaming.

"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,
something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."


With that the bartender opens the door to looks in and says...

"You idiot! You're sitting on the damned mop bucket!"

____________________________________________________________________________

June 15, 2005

                                                         MOISHE

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.  He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing.  You're just like Moishe."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Moishe Glickman.  There's a guy who did everything right.  Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Moishe every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Moishe.  He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone
on the pro tour in tennis.  He could golf with the pros.  He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something, huh?"


Cabbie: "He had a memory like a computer and could remember
everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.  He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy eh?

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get into them"

Passenger:  "Mmm, not many like that around"

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good
and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Moishe."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabbie: "I married his widow."

____________________________________________________________________________

June 15, 2005

                                                        THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER

When the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, a lady kept hinting to her husband that he should get it fixed. But, somehow the message never sank in.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When her husband arrived home one day, he found her seated in the long grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

He was gone only a few moments. When he came out again. He handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalks."
 
His doctor says he may well walk again, but will most likely have a permanent limp.

____________________________________________________________________________

June 13, 2005

                                                        A CHANGE OF MIND 

A husband, in his back yard, is trying to fly a kite.  He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this
a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind.  Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

___________________________________________________________________________

June 13, 2005

                                                        THE TRUTH SOMETIMES HURTS

A wife comes home early from work one day only to find her husband in bed with a strange woman.  

She says, "That's it, I'm leaving and never coming back."  

He says, "Don't you at least want to hear my explanation?"  

She shrugs and says, "Fine, let's hear your story.  And this had better be good!"  

He says, "Well, I'm driving along the street, when I see this young lady in torn clothes, no shoes, all muddy and crying.  I took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned up in my house.  She climbed into my truck and I brought her home. She took a shower, I gave her the underwear that doesn't fit you any more, the silk blouse and slacks that I bought you two years ago that you wore once, the $150 Nike running shoes you bought and wore only twice.  I even gave her some of the roast beef you had in the fridge, that you never served me.  I showed her to the door .  She was so grateful for all these things, and she thanked me profusely.  But then, as she was about to leave she turned around and asked me........ "Is there anything else your wife doesn't use any more?"

________________________________________________________________________

December 2, 2004

                                                            PEANUTS

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on the shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts which he gratefully accepts and proceeds to munch.
 
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and hands him another handful of peanuts.  She repeats this gesture eight more times.
 
On the ninth occasion he asks the little old lady why she and the other passengers don't eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that it's not possible because of their old teeth. They simply are unable to chew them.
 
"Why do you buy them then?" he asks.

"We like the chocolate coating."

______________________________________________________________________________

November 17, 2004   

                                                         LOVE POTION

After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform.

He goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor says, "I can cure this."

He throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say 123, and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"

"All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned, It will not work again for another year."

The guy goes home, and that night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion.

After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123", and suddenly he gets an erection just as the witch doctor said.

His wife was facing the other way and turns over and says, "What did you say 123 for?"

__________________________________________________________________________

November 17, 2004

                                                            ELDER LOVERS

One night an 87 yr old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 yr old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment... killing him instantly. Brought before the court on a charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.

She began coolly, "Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex... he could fly.."

______________________________________________________________________________

October 25, 2004                                                            THE PARK FLASHER

Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude, and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat. Gertrude immediately had a stroke. Then Maude also had a stroke. But Tilly, being older and much more feeble, couldn't reach that far. Bless her heart.

______________________________________________________________________________

October 25, 2004

                                                            THE OBSERVANT DRUNK.

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a 4-litres of 2% milk,  a dozen eggs, a litre of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
 
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

___________________________________________________________________________

October 16, 2004

                                                            ADMISSION TO HEAVEN

A guy dies and goes to heaven.  He goes through the Pearly Gates and sees two doors.  One door has a long line of men at it and the other has just one guy standing in front of it. 

He says to Saint Peter, "What's with the two doors?" 

Saint Peter replies, "Well, the door with the long line is for men who were henpecked their whole lives and the other door is for men who weren't henpecked at all."

The guy's curious so he goes up to the guy who's standing all alone.

He says, "What are you doing here?"

The other guy says, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

______________________________________________________________________________

October 13, 2004

                                                            THERE'S NO GAME LIKE IT..!!

One day a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy negligee.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So, he tied her up and went golfing.

_____________________________________________________________________________

October 13, 2004

                                                            FIXED INCOME

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.

He asked her where she was going, and she replied, "I'm going to Las Vegas."

He questioned her as to why she was going, and she told him, "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free."

He pondered that for a while, went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch and his wife.

She said, "And just where do you think you are going?"

He replied, "I'm going, too."

"Why?"
she asked.

He said, "I want to see how you're going to live on $800.00 a year."

______________________________________________________________________________

September 5, 2004

                                                            VASELINE SURVEY

A market researcher knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken aback.

He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, we know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, would you tell me in
what manner you use it for sex?"


The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband puts it on the bedroom door knob and it keeps the kids out."

__________________________________________________________________________

August 29, 2004

                                                            THE FARMER'S BULL

A cattle rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the breeding fee from the bank. The banker lends him the money and comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing.

The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker tells the farmer that he knows a great veterinarian and that he'll send him out the next day to check out the bull.

The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped.

The farmer looks very pleased and tells the banker, "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor's cows."

"Wow," says the banker. "What did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave him some pills," replies the farmer.

"What kind of pills?" asks the banker.

"I don't know," says the smiling farmer, "but they sort of  taste like peppermint."

_____________________________________________________________________________

July 20, 2004

                                                            THE UNDERSTANDING WIFE

A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.  

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!"  

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."  

"Well that's the last straw," says the wife.  

"I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable."  

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember,  if we get a divorce, it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac Escalade in the garage, and no more country club, and we'll have to sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller homes, but the decision is yours."  

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.  

"Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife.  

"That's his mistress," says her husband.  

She replies, "Ours is prettier."  
 

_____________________________________________________________________________

June 30, 2004

                                                            THE FIFTIETH ANNIVERSARY PLANS

Sol, Morris and Irving were chatting at a restaurant. They sat down at a table while waiting to be served. Sol said; "Morris! Isn't this your 50th anniversary? "

Morris replies! "Yep."

"Well,"  Sol asked, "What are you planning on doing to celebrate?"

Morris replies, "Well I remember taking my wife to Phoenix, Arizona on our 25th anniversary."

Irving asked, "So what are your plans for your 50th anniversary?"

Morris replies, "I'm thinking of going back to pick her up"

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June 28, 2004

                                                            THE ENGAGEMENT RING
An elderly white haired gentleman walked into a jeweler's shop late one Friday, with a beautiful young lady on his arm. "I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend," he said.

The jeweler looks through his stock, and takes out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000.

"I don't think you understand ... I want something very unique," the old man said.

At that, the jeweler went and fetched his special stock from the safe.  "Here's one stunning ring at $50,000." The girls' eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it. "How are you paying?"

"I'll pay by cheque, but of course the bank would want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write the cheque and you can phone the bank Monday morning, then I'll fetch the ring on Monday evening."

Monday morning a very pissed off jeweler phones the man. "You old bastard, you lied, there's no money in that account."

"I know, but can you imagine what a fantastic weekend I had!"

_____________________________________________________________________________

June 24, 2004

                                                            THE BLIND MAN AND HIS DOG

A blind man was standing on the street corner with his dog when the dog raised his leg and peed on the man's trouser leg. The man reached in his pocket and took out a doggie biscuit. 

A busybody who had been watching ran up to him and said, "You shouldn't do that. He'll never learn anything if you reward him when he does something like that!"

The blind man retorted, "I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find which end his head is on, so that I can kick his ass."

__________________________________________________________________________

April 7, 2004

                                                             A SMALL WHITE DOT

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. 

Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.

"It's a period," he replied.  “I see that," said the teacher, "but what is so exciting about a period?"

"Darned if I know," he said, "but this morning my sister was missing one, Mommy fainted, Daddy had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined the army."

____________________________________________________________________________

April 6, 2004


                                                            IN COURT TODAY 

 A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked,

"What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It's made of concrete, bricks and mortar," she responded.

 

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

 

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

  

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

 

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

 

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

 

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

 

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

 

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

 

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

 

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He says he can't communicate with me."

________________________________________________________________________________

April 6, 2004

                                                            ORDER IN THE COURT

Defense Attorney: What is your age? 

Little old Woman: I'm 86 years old. 
 
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to
you on the first  of April of this year? 


Little old Woman: There I was, sitting  there in my swing on my front
porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man  comes creeping up on the
porch and sat down beside me. 


Defense  Attorney: Did you know him? 

Little old Woman: No, but he sure  was friendly. 

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat  down? 

Little old Woman: He started to rub my thigh. 

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him? 

Little old Woman:  No, I didn't stop him. 

Defense Attorney: Why not? 

Little old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my  Abner
passed away some 30 years ago. 


Defense Attorney: What  happened next? 

Little old Woman: He began to rub my breasts. 

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then? 

Little old Woman: No, I did not stop him. 

Defense  Attorney: Why not? 

Little old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his  rubbing made me feel all alive and
excited. I haven't felt that good  in years! 


Defense Attorney: What happened next? 

Little old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just laid down and
said to him..."Take me. young man...Take me!" 


Defense Attorney: Did he take you? 

Little old Woman:  Hell, no. He just yelled, "April Fool!" ...
And that's when I  shot the little bastard!
 

________________________________
________________________________________________

February 18, 2004

                                                           TWO PAINTING NUNS

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent. The last instruction they receive from the Mother Superior is that they must not get even one drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock on the door. 

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns. 

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug. Deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man as he steps inside, "where do you want the blinds?"
_____________________________________________________________________________

February 17, 2003

                                                            THE PRIEST'S ASS


A priest wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third.

The next day the local paper carried this headline: PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS The priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.

The local paper read: PRIEST'S ASS OUT FRONT The Bishop was so upset with this! kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the priest to get rid of the donkey. The priest decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00 This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The bishop was buried the next day.

_______________________________________________________________________________

February 17, 2004

                                                            THE NEW ROOSTER


A farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Ralph. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

Well, Ralph the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Ralph.

The farmer takes Ralph home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Ralph seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Ralph takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Ralph nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Ralph is in there. Later, the farmer sees Ralph after a flock of geese down by the lake.

Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Ralph out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Ralph on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air.

Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Ralph, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Ralph opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhhh! They're getting closer."

____________________________________________________________________________

January 11, 2004

                                                            THE GOLFER

Harvey the golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news." says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to amputate your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?" 

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm! I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant"

"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great" says the business man. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." "That's great." said the surgeon

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors" 

"Unbelievable!" exclaimed the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success and I'm glad you didn't have side effects." 

Well just one problem," said the golfer, "every time I get an erection I also get a headache!"

______________________________________________________________________________

January 11, 2004

                                                            THE ALABAMA PREACHER

The Alabama preacher rose with an angry red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic, rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and voice quivered as she spoke.

"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klan. I told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets!"

___________________
___________________________________________________________

January 6, 2004

                                                            AN ACT OF HEROISM

Jim and Edna were patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Edna's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Edna the news he said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged. Since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom shortly after you saved him. I'm so sorry, but he's dead."

"He didn't hang himself," Edna replied, "I hung him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
____________________________________________________________________________

December 18, 2003

                                                            THE TAX MAN CALLETH

Father O'Malley answers the phone:

"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"

"It is"

"This is Revenue Canada. We were wondering if you could help us?"

"I'll certainly try"

"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

"I do"

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is"

"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"

"He will". 

______________________________________________________________________________

December 16, 2003

                                                            THE APPRECIATED GIFT

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theatre built in the house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600."

The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read it anymore because she can't see very well. I met this priest who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty priests 12 years to teach
him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.

She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you give me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only one of my fours sons who had the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."


____________________________________________________________________________

December 16, 2003

                                                            POWERFUL LIQUID

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. 

A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. 

The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine." 

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby." 

The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a motorcycle." 


____________________________________________________________________________

December 15, 2003

                                                            ARE YOU A REAL COWBOY..??

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Hell, I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

__________________________________________________________________________

December 15, 2003

                                                            A SCOTTISH LOVE STORY

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed, then the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its aboot time you let me pewt ma hand on yer knee."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee.

Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again. 

"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad, nodding. The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

And he said, "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

___________________________________________________________________________

December 15, 2003

                                                            DARK IN HERE ..!!

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250." 

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost."

"I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again"


______________________________________________________________________________

December 11, 2003

                                                        FUNERAL ARRANGEMENTS

Mrs. Phlegmstien goes to the funeral parlour to view her husband a few hours before the wake is scheduled.  She says to the mortician, "Harry looks very good, he looks at peace with the world.  But I had so hoped he would have been buried in a blue suit, not a grey suit."  The mortician says, "No problem. lady."

He goes to the back door and yells to his assistant in the back, "Hey Freddie!  Change the heads on number six and number eleven."

______________________________________________________________________________

December 11, 2003

                                                            PROBLEMS AT HOME

Rosegarten's wife says to her friend, "Our sex life stinks."

Her friend says, "Did you ever watch your husband's face when you're having sex?"

She replies, "Only once, and I saw rage."

Her friend says, "Why would he be angry during sex?"

Rosegarten's wife says, "Because he was looking through the window at us."

____________________________________________________________________________

December 11, 2003

                                                            A LOUSY LOVER

Doctor Schmidt is walking out of the house after breakfast.  He turns to his wife and says, "You're a rotten wife, a crummy mother and a lousy lover."   That night when he gets home he finds his wife on the living room floor having sex with a strange man. 

He says, "What do you think you're doing?"

She says, "Getting a second opinion."

______________________________________________________________________________

December 5, 2003

                                                            HEALTH FOOD

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, die in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wife's neurotic interest in health food.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed", the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied, "Remember, this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to see the championship golf course the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth.

The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"

"This is heaven,"
St. Peter replied. "You play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet?" St. Peter asked. "This is heaven. It's free!"

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly.

"That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your +%$#&! bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!"


_____________________________________________________________________________

December 5, 2003

                                                            DIVORCE

A married couple is driving along Hwy. 401 doing 100 kph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 120 kph.

She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.

She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 130 kph.

She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 140 kph.

She says, "I want the car, the chequing account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a concrete bridge abutment, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

She asks, "What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 160 kph, "I've got the airbag!"

____________________________________________________________________________

December 5, 2003

                                                            JOB OFFER

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help the gentleman.

The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it." The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 33% ownership in the store, a company car, and $3,000 a month living expenses."

____________________________________________________________________________

November 13, 2003

                                                                   FIRE IN THE FURNACE?

An eighty year old white haired guy marries a twenty-two year old girl, and she gets pregnant.

Nine months later, he walks into the Maternity Ward  and says to the nurse, "Well, how'd I do?"

The nurse says, "She had twins."

He says, "Heh, heh, heh...well, I guess that only goes to show, that even if there's snow on the roof, there can still be fire in the furnace."

She says, "Well, then you'd better change the filters. Both the babies are black."

_____________________________________________________________________________

November 9, 2003

                                                            PARENTAL GUIDANCE

A man in Toronto calls his son in Los Angeles a couple of days before Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Vancouver and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "No way they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this!"

She calls Toronto immediately and screams at her father, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

_____________________________________________________________________________

October 30, 2003

                                                            UNDERSTANDING

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replied: "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!

"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "and look at this, here's another miracle. my car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with them

_______________________________________________________________________________

October 20, 2003

                                                                FIFTY YEARS OF BLISS

A man and his wife were about to celebrate 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful and wealthy agreed to a Sunday dinner in honor of their parents. As usual, they were all late and had a varied assortment of excuses.

"Happy anniversary mom and dad," gushed son number one...... "Sorry I'm running late......had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time to get you a present."

"Not to worry," said the dad...."The important thing is that we're all together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "You and mom still look great dad, just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present........sorry."

"It's nothing," said the father, "glad you were able to be here."

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello you both, happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing........ so I didn't have time to get you guys anything."

Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today."

During dinner, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen you three, there's something your mother and I wanted to tell you for a long time. Well......your mother and I came to this country penniless and desperate. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. We always knew we loved each other but....... never got around to getting married."

The three kids gasped and said, "You mean we're BASTARDS ?"

 "Yep," said the dad........"and cheap ones too!"
______________________________________________________________________________

October 18, 2003

                                                            ADMISSION AT THE PEARLY GATES

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can certainly think of one thing," the man offered. "On a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker.

I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, "Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me."

St. Peter was truly impressed. "When did this happen?" 

"Just a couple of minutes ago." 

_____________________________________________________________________________

October 13, 2003

                                                                LOVE IN A CAVE 

Two Indians and a Newfy were walking in the woods, when all of a sudden one of the Indians raced up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard a answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!".  He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. The Newfy was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about, was the Indian crazy or what?

"No," said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."

Just then they saw another cave. The second Indian ran up to the opening of the cave stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!".  Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Newfy wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Wow, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine woman in this cave!" 

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!". He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!". 

With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the newspaper read.....
NAKED NEWFY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN.

_____________________________________________________________________________

October 11, 2003

                                                            UNUSUAL CLOCK

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock" the drunk replied.

A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. 

"Yup" replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the second guest asked, squinting at it.

"Watch" the drunk said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed

"For god sake, you asshole....it's ten past three in the morning!"

____________________________________________________________________________

October 10, 2003

                                                            MRS. FINKLESTEIN

A little old lady called Mt. Sinai Hospital information desk and said, "Hello darling. I'd like to talk to the person who gives information regarding your patients. I want to know if the patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse."

"Do you know the patient's name and room number?"

"Yes, darling. She's Sarah Finklestein and she's in room 302."

"Oh yes. Mrs. Finklestein is doing very well. In fact, she's had 2 full meals, blood pressure is fine, blood work is normal and she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a few hours and, if she continues to improve, the doctor will send her home Tuesday afternoon."

"Thank God! That's wonderful! That's fantastic news, darling!"

"From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or close friend."

"No, I'm Sarah Finklestein in room 302, and the doctor don't tell me shit!"

______________________________________________________________________________

September 10, 2003                                                            

                                                            WHAT A COINCIDENCE

A man sat at a local bar and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating."

"What a coincidence," said the woman next to him. "I'm celebrating, too" she replied, clinking glasses with him. "What are your celebrating?"

"I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile." 

 "What a coincidence," the woman said, "my husband and I have been trying for years to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked.

"I switched cocks," he replied.

"What a coincidence," she said.

_____________________________________________________________________________

September 10, 2003

                                                            MUTUAL MEMORIES ..

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench.
Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. 'mutual orgasm' here and mutual orgasm' there - that's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?"

Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."


_____________________________________________________________________________

September 10, 2003

                                                            REMINISCING

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.

The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I can sure remember the guy you're talking about."

_____________________________________________________________________________

September 10, 2003

                                                            A FISHY TALE

A man was stopped by a game warden with two buckets of fish while leaving a lake  renowned for it's fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."

"O. K. I've GOT to see this!" The game warden was curious now.

The man poured the fish into the lake, then stood and waited.

After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"

"Well, What?" the man responded.

"When are you going to call them back?" The game warden prompted.

"Call who back?" The man asked.

"The FISH."

"What fish?" The man asked.

___________________________________________________________________________

September 10, 2003

                                                            THE WINE CONNOISSEUR

On his first date with a beautiful woman, Tim decided to impress her with his knowledge of wine. He told the wine steward to bring a bottle of 1985 Sterling Cabernet Sauvignon from the Carneros District.

Upon tasting the wine, Tim berated the steward; "No, no, this is a 1987 Vintage from the North coast vineyards near Calistoga. Please bring me what I ordered."

The second bottle of wine was poured, and once again Tim was annoyed, "No, no, no, this is 1985 all right, but it's from the Mount Helena vineyards!"

Watching the drama from the bar, an old drunk came up to the table and said, "Wow, that's an impressive ability. Can you tell me what's in my glass?"

Not wanting to pass up an opportunity to impress his date, Tim sipped at the drunk's glass. "Christ, this tastes like piss", he exclaimed and spat the mouthful out.

"You're right", said the drunk. "Now can you tell me when and where I was born."

___________________________________________________________________________

September 8, 2003

                                                            MATRIMONIAL OBSERVATIONS

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

"You know, love" she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my bum is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby" She turns to her husband and says..... "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself"

He thinks about it for a bit and then says ."well......there's nothing wrong with your eyesight".

______________________________________________________________________________

September 8, 2003

                                                            A MEDICAL MYSTERY SOLVED

A man goes to see his doctor feeling a bit unwell. The doctor checks him over and finds a couple of bags of money up his rectum. He pulls them out and can't resist toting up the value of the coins.

"Well", says the doctor, "I've found $1999.99 up your bum".

"Hmmm", replies the patient, "That might explain why I haven't been feeling too grand....."

____________________________________________________________________________

September 7, 2003

                                                            KENNY THE ROOSTER

A farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he as a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money.  Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Kenny seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Kenny takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure
enough, Kenny is in there.

Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese down by the lake.  Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in & the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Kenny on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling over head.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhhh .. they're getting closer.........."

______________________________________________________________________________

September 7, 2003

                                                            THE BIBLE SALESMEN

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. Coincidentally, and by chance, while checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church. Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The reverend knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles but he had serious doubts about Louie. Louie was just a little local farmer, who had always tended to keep to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor little Louis stuttered very badly.. But, not wanting to discourage poor Louis, the reverend decided to let him try anyway. 

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles and asked them to meet with him and report the results of the door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday, which they did.  

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the reverend immediately asked Peter,
"Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Father, using my sales prowess,
I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the 200 dollars collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Peter!" The reverend said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, he asked "And Paul, how many bibles did you manage to sell for the church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "Reverend, I am a professional salesman and was happy to give the church the benefit of my sales expertise. Last week I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's 280 dollars I collected."

The reverend responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional
salesman and the church is also indebted to you."


Apprehensively, the reverend turned to little Louie and said, "And Louie, did you 
manage to sell any bibles last week?"

Louie silently offered the reverend a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted
the contents.. "What is this?" the reverend exclaimed.

"Louie, there's 3200 dollars in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the
church, door to door, in just one week?"

Louie just nodded.

"That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen,
yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."


"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the reverend agreed. "I think you'd better explain how
you managed to do accomplish this,! Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to
them when they answered the door!"


"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louie replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like
t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read
it t-to y-y-you?"

________________________________________________________________________

September 6, 2003

                                                            THE FLIGHT CREW

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."

Joe, sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?"

When the attendant came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you correctly? Is the captain a woman?"

"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."

"My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."

"That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cockpit. Now it's the box office."

______________________________________________________________________________

September 5, 2003

                                                        A PRIEST'S DYING WISH

An old priest was dying. He sent a message for his accountant and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom.

As they entered the room, the priest held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.

The priest grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.

For a time, no one said anything. Both the accountant and the attorney were touched and flattered that the old priest would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled because the priest had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the lawyer asked, "Father, why did you ask the two of us to come?"

The old priest mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."

_____________________________________________________________________________

August 24, 2003

                                                            FASCINATE

An elementary school teacher in Toronto asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly said, "My family went to my Granddad's farm, and we saw all his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I simply wanted you to use the word "fascinate".

Sally raised her hand. She said, "I went to see Niagara Falls and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good, Sally, but I want the word "fascinate".

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Little Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My cousin's wife has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big, she can only fasten eight."

The teacher cried.

____________________________________________________________________________

August 23, 2003

                                                            THE "BRICKYARD" TRIBE

A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you're in fine health. I could find no problems. However, I did notice one small anomaly."

"Oh, what is that, Doctor?"

"Well, you have no nipples."

"None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied.

"That's amazing" said the doctor. "If you don't mind, I'd like to write this up for The South Carolina Journal of Medicine."

She said, "OK."

"First of all" asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?"

She answered, "Approximately 500."

"And what's the name of your tribe" asked the doctor.

Running Doe replied........  "We're called The Indian Nippleless Five Hundred."

_____________________________________________________________________________

August 18, 2003

                                                            THE WARNING

An elderly gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was prepped he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me ... your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

___________________________________________________________________________

August 12, 2003

                                                            THE GOOD DENTIST

A guy and a girl met at a bar. They got along so well that they decided to go to the girl's place for a nightcap. A few drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and then washed his hands.

He then took off his trousers and washed his hands again. 

The girl had been watching him closely and said, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, replied "Yes...That's amazing, how did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she said, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they made love. 

Later, as the cuddled together in bed the girl said, "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego said, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, how did you figure that out?"

She replied, "I didn't feel a thing!"

______________________________________________________________________________

August 5, 2003
                                                            NUTRITION

A Doctor was addressing a large audience on Nutrition. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Sugar rots our teeth and causes Diabetes. Soft drinks corrode our stomach linings. Spicy dishes give us heartburn. Many vegetables give us terrible gas pains. Undercooked eggs permit e-coli to thrive. Milk is impossible for adults to digest. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous and few of us realize the long-term harm caused by the germs and chemicals in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most
dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"


After several seconds of silence, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand and answered, "Wedding Cake?" 

__________________________________________________________________________

July 28, 2003

                                                            4 BELL FIRE ALARM

A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go."

"From now on, when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night."

The next night he came home from work and yelled "BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off. Then he yelled "BELL 2!" The wife jumped into bed. Then he yelled "BELL 3!" They began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!" "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband. "ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she yelled, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!"

__________________________________________________________________________

July 28, 2003

                                                                ELDER PROPOSITION

Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening.

The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting, and for $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word. The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there,"

"But for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."

The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse.

She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.

"Get serious", she replies. "I want it four times in the rocking chair!"

____________________________________________________________________________

July 27, 2003

                                                            APARTMENT FOR RENT ..!!

A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the afternoon with her for $500. Following their tryst and before he leaves, he tells her that he doesn't have any cash with him, but that he will have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT. '

On the way to the office, he regrets what he has done, and, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price, he has his secretary send a cheque for $250 with the following typed note:

Dear Madam,

Enclosed please find my cheque in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:

1.     it had never been occupied;
2.     that there was plenty of heat;
3.     that is was small enough to make me cozy

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir:

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady. Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady!

____________________________________________________________________________

July 16, 2003

                                                            THE MOPED VS THE FERRARI!

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 2003 Ferrari. It's also one of the the most expensive cars in the world, and costs him $500,000.

He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"

The young man replies, "A 2003 Ferrari, it cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money" says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 kilometres an hour!" states the young man proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the owner.

The old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"

Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 20 seconds the speedometer reaches 320 kph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster than his Ferrari!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!"
the young man asks himself.

Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming towards him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction!  ....  Geeeeez ..... it looked like the old man on the moped!

"Couldn't be!" thinks the guy. "How could that old man on his moped outrun my Ferrari?!"

But again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh and KablaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!!

He runs up to the mangled old man and his moped and says, "Omigod! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers in a raspy breath, "Unhook...my damned suspenders...from your side-view mirror..."

____________________________________________________________________________

July 16, 2003

                                                            GOD BLESS

One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy and Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."

Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died. About a month or two later the father heard his son saying his prayers again "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy."

The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little worried about the whole situation. Two weeks later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy."

This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he apologized to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today."

"You think you've had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY!?" the wife screamed, "The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"

______________________________________________________________________________

June 26, 2003

                                                            MATRIMONIAL BLISS

A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, ... Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'"

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, ... Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last." 

__________________________________________________________________________

June 25, 2003

                                                            THE GOLFER

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it slices into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him.

"Goodness," says the golfer. He then proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun, and I will grant you three wishes."

The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.

Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks to himself, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money (so he'll never have to go without a pint of ale), a great golf game and a great sex life."

A few weeks later the Irishman is out golfing again. As he's walking to the 16th green, he hears a voice calling him from the woods. He walks over and sees the leprechaun again. He asks how his head is feeling.

The leprechaun says, "Oh, I'm fine. And might I ask how your golf game is?"

The golfer says, "It's funny you should ask, but it's been amazing. It seems I can't miss anymore!

"I did that for you," responds the leprechaun, "And might I ask how your money is holding out?"

"Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out twenty pounds" he replied.

The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you, too. And might I ask how your love life is?"

Now the golfer looks around, as if to be sure that no one else can hear and says in a low voice, "Well, it's been okay."

"Just okay?" the leprechaun asks. "How often do you have sex?"

"Oh, maybe once or twice a week."

Floored the leprechaun stammers, "Only once or twice a week?"

The golfer replies, "Well, that's really quite a lot for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

_____________________________________________________________________________

June 17, 2003

                                                            TWENTY YEARS AGO ..!!

A woman wakens during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be deep in thought, staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you sitting down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee. "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that too," she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."

_______________________________________________________________________________

June 12, 2003

                                                            SENIOR'S MOMENT

An elderly lady called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She was hysterical as she explained her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!"

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the police officer radioed in. "Disregard." he said. "She got in the backseat by mistake."

_____________________________________________________________________________

June 4, 2003

                                                            OLD TIMERS BAR

One afternoon four retired American golfers are walking down a street in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina when they see a sign that says, "OLD TIMERS BAR .......ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS". 

They look at each other, then go in.

As they enter, the old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What will it be gentlemen?"

There seems to be a fully stocked bar, so the men all ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis and says, "That will be 10 cents each please."

The four men stare at the bartender for a moment, then look at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, drink their martinis, and order another round. Again four excellent martinis are served with the bartender again saying, ...."That's 40 more cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They've each had two martinis, and so far they've spent less than a dollar.

Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece ?"

The bartender says, "Here's my story. I'm a retired tailor from Brooklyn, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I won $25 million in the New York Lottery, and decided to move down here and open this place. Every drink costs a dime, wine, liquor, beer all the same price."

"Wow! that's quite a story" says one of the guys. The four of them sipped at their martinis but couldn't help notice four other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they they were there.

One man gestures at the four at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them ?"

The bartender replies, "Oh, they're four Scotsmen. They're waiting for happy hour."

______________________________________________________________________________-

June 2, 2003
                                                            THE BIKER

A biker stops by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't fix it while he waited, so, as he didn't live too far away he decided to walk home. On his way he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. Then he stopped by the livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. The store owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" said the biker, and out the door he went. 

In the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." 

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?" 

The biker said, "Jeez lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How the hell could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens!
______________________________________________________________________________

June 2, 2003

                                                            RUNNING IN THE RAIN

A woman was having a series of daytime affairs while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh My God - Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. "It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems" 

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed , grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon. So he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could. It wasn't that effective!

After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."

Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?"

"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

"Only if it's raining!"

______________________________________________________________________________

May 31, 2003

                                                            SPAGHETTI

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation, or his marriage, he paid a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.

One day, about nine months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "You received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said. The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted. 

On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

Thanks to John Adams,  Probus Club of Wasaga Beach

____________________________________________________________________________

May 29, 2003
                                                            TURNING RED

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentlemen neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous...."

________________________________________________________________________________

May 24, 2003

                                                            SUNBURN

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn.

He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns. He was already starting to blister and was in agony.

The attending doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?"

The doctor replied, "It'll keep the bed sheets off his legs.

______________________________________________________________________________

May 7, 2003

                                                            THE LOGICAL THINKING OF ENGINEERS

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting at the first tee for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We've been waiting for 15 minutes!" 

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such golfing ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They all lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why the hell can't these guys play at night?"

________________________________________________________________________________

May 7, 2003

                                                            HIGHWAY DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down Highway 400, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "George, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Highway 400. Please be careful!" 

"It's not just one car," said George. "There's bloody hundreds of them!" 

_____________________________________________________________________________

May 7, 2003

                                                            THE HEARING AID

A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's absolutely perfect." 

"Really," answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?" 

"Twelve thirty." 

_____________________________________________________________________________

May 7, 2003                                                            

                                                            BE CAREFUL

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor for his annual physical. 

A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. 

A week later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" 

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc"; 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.' " 

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"
______________________________________________________________________________

May 3, 2003 

                                                           THE TAX MAN COMETH

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When Canada Post received the letter addressed to God, Canada, they decided to send it to the Prime Minister. The Prime Minister was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

The Prime Minister thought that $5.00 would seem to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted when he received the $5.00 bill and immediately sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read,

"Dear God

Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Ottawa, and, as usual, those bastards deducted $95.00 in taxes. !!!!! "

______________________________________________________________________________

May 1, 2003

                                                            WOMEN RULE ...??

A woman was out golfing when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes - whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better".

The woman replied, "I wish to be the most beautiful woman in the world". The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the word - an Adonis that women will flock to". The woman replied, "That will be ok because I will be the most beautiful woman in the world and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said "That will be ok because what is mine is his and what is his is mine." So - KAZAM - she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack".

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are devious bitches....don't mess with them

_______________________________________________________________________________

May 1, 2003

                                                            BLOND DETECTIVE WORK ..!!

A police Inspector was interviewing 3 blonde female officers who were in training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The Inspector says, "Well... uh... that's because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The Inspector angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds "... think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm.. The suspect wears contact lenses."

The Inspector is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it... it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

______________________________________________________________________________

April 27, 2003

                                                            QUIET SEX

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" 

She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!" 

________________________________________________________________________________

April 27, 2003                                                            

                                                            LOUD SEX

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." 

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." 

"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!" ______________________________________________________________________________

April 27, 2003

                                                            SOCIAL SECURITY SEX 

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" 

"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." 

"Social Security sex?" 

"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!" ____________________________________________________________________________

April 27, 2003                                                            

                                                            CONFOUNDED SEX 

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body.  His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his medical insurance plan wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. 

The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium", $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. 

The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. 

The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. 

"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. 

The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen". ____________________________________________________________________________

April 24, 2003

                                                            CYANIDE
 
A man walked into a pharmacy and asked for a vial of Cyanide. 

The pharmacist, trying to maintain a professional composure, asked what he wanted it for. 

He answered, "I want to kill my wife." 

"I'm sorry Sir," the pharmacist replied, "but you'll have to understand that under such circumstances, I can't sell you any Cyanide." 

The guy reached into his wallet and produced a photo of his wife, perhaps the ugliest, meanest looking woman the druggist had ever seen. 

The pharmacist blushed and replied, "I am sorry Sir, I didn't realize you had a prescription." 

_______________________________________________________________________________

April 22, 2003

                                                            THE GENERAL STORE CLERK

A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. 

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread on the top shelf behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or general lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely.

The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner.

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.

With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer.

Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.

After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "I suppose it's raisin for you too?"

"No," croaks the old man, "but it's a quiverin'."

Abstracted from the newsletter of the Probus Club of Blue Mountain (Collingwood, Ont.) _______________________________________________________________________________

April 22, 2003

                                                            THE POKER GAME

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. 

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, standing up. 
Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell the wife?" 

They draw straws. Goldberg picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. 

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet mensch you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me." 

Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants. 

Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home." 

The wife says, "Tell him to drop dead!" 

"I'll go tell him," says Goldberg. 

Abstracted from the newsletter of the Probus Club of Blue Mountain (Collingwood, Ont.) _____________________________________________________________________________

April 19, 2003

                                                            THE SENIOR'S FIRE BRIGADE

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink it exploded into flames.

The alarm went out to the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulae are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I'll give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

More fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.

As the additional firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight.

It was the nearby rural township volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant.....and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulae.

The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, fire fighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money "?

"Well," said the 70-year-old fire chief, "the first thing we're going to do is fix the brakes on that damned truck!"


_______________________________________________________________________________

April 16, 2003

                                                            A SPANISH DELICACY 

An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" 

The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!" 

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said... "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!" The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins." 

_______________________________________________________________________________

March 14, 2003

                                                            OLD AGE SECURITY

A recently retired gentleman went to the Human Resources Canada office to apply for his Old Age Pension. After waiting in line a long time he finally got to the counter. The clerk behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry, but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and comeback later."

The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt."

So he opened his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Old Age Pension application.

When he got home, the man excitedly told his wife about his experience at the Pension office.

She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have gotten disability too."

_____________________________________________________________________________

February 27, 2003

                                                            THE RESTAURANT

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there's a gorgeous blonde sitting at the next table. He's been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. 
With quick reflexes, he reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back to her.
 
"Oh my, I'm so sorry," the woman says, as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."
 
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theatre, followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap 
.... and stay for breakfast. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything had been SO incredible!!
 
"You know," he says, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
 
"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

_______________________________________________________________________________

February 27, 2003

                                                            THE BLOND AND THE VENTRILOQUIST

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. 

With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: 

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!" 

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!" 

______________________________________________________________________________

February 27, 2003

                                                            LENT ...???

On the first day of their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch. 

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent." 

Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how  long?"

________________________________________________________________________________

February 18, 2003

                                                        A GOLDEN OLDIE

An elderly couple were having dinner at another couple's house and after their meal, the wives left the table to go to the kitchen.

The two elderly men were talking, and one says: "Last night we went out to a fabulous new restaurant that I'd highly recommend."

The other man says: "What's the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thinks long and hard with a furrowed brow, finally saying: "Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"

His friend replies: "A carnation?" "No, no. The other one," the man says.

His friend suggest "The poppy?"

"No, no, no" growls the man.

"You know - the one that is red and has thorns."

His friend says: "Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes! Thank you!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells: "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

_____________________________________________________________________________

February 15, 2003

                                                            SQUEAKY CLEAN ..!!

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar at a quiet, rural pub.  She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers.  When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard. 
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. 
"Actually, no," the man replies. 
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak with him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. 
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. 
"Is there anything I can do?" he added.
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, popping her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to gently suck on them. 
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. 
"Tell him," she whispers softly, "That there's is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room," ______________________________________________________________________________

February 14, 2003

                                                            GRANDMA'S BIRTHDAY ..!!

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn in her wheelchair to where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again some family members grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her and tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. 

A grandson who arrived late, came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew,
"They won't let me fart ." 

______________________________________________________________________________

February 14, 2003

                                                            HOSPITAL CARE ..!!

A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young nurse appears at his bedside to sponge his hands and face.  "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?" Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands." The ward sister was passing by and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched over to inquire what was wrong. "Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?" Being a nurse of long experience, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pyjama bottoms, moved his penis out of the way, had a good close look, pulled up the pyjama bottoms, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with them!!!" At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Dammit, I asked .... Are my test results back???" 

___________________________________________________________________________

February 9, 2003

                                                            ANOTHER DINNER GUEST ..??

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away, noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, while the woman acted totally unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. 

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the
woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." 

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."
________________________________________________________________________________________

February 9, 2003

                                                            A BRAVE DENTAL PATIENT

A man & wife entered a dentist's office. The Wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible." 

"You're a very brave woman" said the dentist.  "Now, Show me which tooth it is." 

The wife turns to her husband and says "Open your mouth and show the nice dentist which tooth it is, dear."
____________________________________________________________________________

February 9, 2003

                                                            THE WISDOM OF THE BLIND

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, with them are their eight children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and her eight children are able to fit in the bus. 

So, the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the blind man's stick on the ground and says to him: "Why don't you put a piece of rubber on the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!!" 

The blind man replies: "If you'd have put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be sitting in the bus, so shut the hell up!!!!" 

____________________________________
_________________________________________

February 7, 2003

                                                            THREE CERTAIN THINGS

The madam opened the door and let the man into her brothel.  "Can I help you?" she asked. 

"I want to see Natalie", he replied. 

"Sir, Natalie is our most expensive lady. Perhaps you would prefer someone else."

"No, I want to see Natalie." Just then, Natalie appeared and announced that she charged $1000 a "visit". Without hesitation, the man peeled off ten one hundred dollar bills. Natalie took him upstairs; the man left an hour later.

The next night, the same man appeared, asking for Natalie. Natalie explained that there would be no discounts for repeat customers. Once again, the man peeled off a thousand dollars and followed her upstairs. And once again he spent an hour upstairs.

The following night, there he was again, requesting Natalie. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night. But he had the money. He followed Natalie up the stairs.

After their "visit", Natalie questioned the man. "No one has ever "visited" with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

"I'm from South Carolina." the man answered.

"Really" she said. "I have family down there." 

"I know", he said. "Your father died and I am your family's attorney. I was instructed to give you your $3000 inheritance."

There is a moral to this story. Three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

______________________________________________________________________________

February 7, 2003

                                                            THE BIG SPENDER

An elderly couple were staying overnight at their son's house, when the old man found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet.

He asked the son about using one of the pills, and the son said "I don't think you should take one; they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Dad.  

"$10.00 a pill", answered the son.

"I don't care," said Dad, "I'd like to try one, and I'll leave the money on the kitchen table as soon as I break this $50.00 bill."

The next morning the son found $110.00 on the table. He said to his dad, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."

"I know," s
aid Dad. "The extra hundred is from your mother".

____________________________________________________________________________

February 7, 2003

                                                            A "TIPSY" REQUEST

A female police officer pulled a car over and charged the driver with impaired driving. She told him, "You are under arrest. Anything you say can and will be held against you."

The drunk appeared to think for a moment, then slowly announced,
"Tits."

____________________________________________________________________________

February 6, 2003                                                            

                                                            WHAT IS THAT ..??

Casey and McBride were coming home from a Sunday lunchtime drinking session, when they stumbled over a large cadaver by the roadside. "It's a mule," said one. "No, 'tis a donkey," said the other. "Here comes the parish priest, he'll settle the matter." 

"Father, could you help us?" asked Casey. "Could you tell us if this is a mule or a donkey." "It's neither," said the holy man. "It's an ass. And don't leave it there. Get a shovel and bury it."

Ten minutes later the two boys were hard at it digging up the soil when O'Shaughnessy
happened along. "What's that you're doing, lads, digging a fox hole?" "Not according to the priest," said Casey. 
_______________________________________________________________________________

February 6, 2003

                                                               WHO HIT YOU..??

A drunken Paddy Finnegan collapsed at the party and, as he fell to the floor, caught his chin on the keyboard of the piano, knocking him out cold.  On recovering his senses, his wife demanded "Who hit you?" 

"I don't know," said Paddy. "But he sure had a nice set of teeth!" 

____________________________________________________________________________

February 6, 2003

                                                            THE IRISHMAN AT THE LITTLE BIGHORN

Paddy Murphy had made a success of his life. He'd emigrated to America, joined the Cavalry and had risen to the rank of sergeant. With any other regiment he'd have been set for life. Unfortunately, his outfit was the 7th Cavalry and one bright morning he found himself in the middle of the battle of Little Big Horn. Thousands of Indians surrounded him, General Custer and the others were already dead, and Murphy began to pray. 

"Can anyone up there help me?' he begged as the Indians moved in on him. 

From out of his saddle bag popped a leprechaun all dressed in green. 

"I'll help you, Sergeant Murphy," said the wee man, "but you may not like the problem I set you." 

"Whatever it is I'll take it," said the sergeant frantically. 

"Well," said the leprechaun, "I'll give you anything you want, rifles, pistols, horses, ammunition. But here's the problem: whatever you ask for, the Indians will each get two of."

" That's Easy," said Murphy with hardly a second to think. I'll have a glass eye!' 

_______________________________________________________________________________

February 5, 2003

                                                               WHO WEARS THE PANTS ..??

A young couple, just married were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As Emma undressed for bed, the husband tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here put these on."

She said "What?"

He said "Put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants", she said.

"That's right!" said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the one who wears the pants in this family!"

With that, she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on, and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said "Hell, I can't get into your panties."

She said, "That's right and that's the way its going to be until your attitude changes!"

____________________________________________________________________________

February 4, 2003

                                                            THE "THINGIE"

There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 8 miles a day. One day, he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tanned all over except his "thingie". So he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach, completely undressed himself and buried himself in the sand, except for his "thingie" which he left sticking up. 

Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the "thingie" sticking up out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, "There's no justice in the world". The other lady asked what she meant.
She said, "When I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
Now that I am 80, the damn things are growing wild on the beach and I'm too old to squat."

___________________________________________________________________________

February 4, 2003

                                                            SENIOR SEX

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning". 

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. 

"Oh no my dear", replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even, nothing too strenuous. In on Ding, out on Dong." 

She paused, wiped away a tear and continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today". 

____________________________________________________________________________

January 30, 2003

                                                            I CAN HEAR JUST FINE! 

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one beautiful July day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer." 
____________________________________________________________________________

January 30, 2003

                                                            DRIVING 

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car--both could barely see over the dashboard.  As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.  The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light". After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know you went three red lights in a row...you could have killed us 
both!"
 
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh shit, am I driving?" 

____________________________________________________________________________

January 30, 2003

                                                            DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE 

85-year-old Bessie bursts into the recreation room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" 
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough." 

____________________________________________________________________________

January 30, 2003

                                                            SENIOR SEX 

Two 90-year-olds had been dating for some time, when the man told the woman, "I think it's time we had sex, don't you agree?" The old woman agrees and the two make love that afternoon. Afterward, as they are lying in bed, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I had known that she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle!" 
Meanwhile, the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I had known that the old geezer could really get it up, I would have taken off my pantyhose." 

___________________________________________________________________________

January 29, 2003
                                                            A VERY, VERY BAD DAY !

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink.  He's been sitting there for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.  The poor little guy starts crying.
"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck driver. "I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a grown man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept this morning and was late for an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered I'd left my wallet in the cab. At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener.  So I came to this bar and decided to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drank the damn poison !"

___________________________________________________________________________

January 29, 2003

                                                            IDENTIFICATION PROBLEMS

An old man was sitting on a bench at the shopping mall when a young man walked up to the bench and sat down.

This young man had spiked hair in a variety of colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.

The old man just stared.

Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring.

The young man finally asked, sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eyelid, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you might be my son."

_____________________________________________________________________________

January 26, 2003

                                                            "MAMA NEEDS NEW CLOTHES ..!!"

Two bored casino croupiers were lolling by their craps table when an extremely attractive blonde woman hurried up to the table and placed a twenty thousand dollar bet on a single roll of the dice.

She said, “I hope you boys don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.” and with that she slipped off all her clothes and stood before the wide eyed croupiers naked as a jay bird.  She rolled the dice and yelled, “Come on baby, Mama needs new clothes..!!”

When the dice came to rest she hollered, “Yes! Yes! I won!!!” She jumped up and down in front of the croupiers, threw her arms around each of their necks and hugged and kissed them. Then she picked up all the money and her clothes and departed.

The croupiers stared at each other totally dumbfounded.  Finally one of them asked, “What did she roll?”

The other answered, “How the hell should I know, I thought you were watching.”

The moral of the story:  NOT ALL BLONDES ARE DUMB, BUT ALL MEN ARE MEN.

____________________________________________________________________________

January 22, 2003

                                                            A FISHY TALE 
 
Four guys went north for a weekend of fishing.  The following conversation took place during their first fishing session.

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend." 
 
Second guy: "That's nothing! I had to promise my wife that I'll build her a new deck for the pool." 
 
Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I'll remodel the kitchen for her." 
 
They continued to fish, until they realized the fourth guy had not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?" 
 
"I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off the clock, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing, or Sex?" -- and she said, "Wear a sweater." 

___________________________________________________________________________

January 21, 2003

                                                            FIFTY YEARS OF WEDDED BLISS

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 Years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here as naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." 

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked now?" Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. 

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My breasts are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." 

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal !!!!" 
____________________________________________________________________________

January 17, 2003
                                                            DUCK HUNTING LEGALITIES

A Toronto lawyer went duck hunting in rural Simcoe County, Ontario. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I'll have you know that I'm one of the best trial attorneys on Bay Street and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Simcoe County. We settle small disagreements like this with the Simcoe County Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What the hell is the Simcoe County Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on, back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

_______________________________________________________________________________

January 17, 2003                                                            

                                                           WELFARE OPPORTUNITIES

A young man, a current welfare recipient, walked into his local welfare office, marched up to the counter and said, "Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I would really rather find a job." The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his 19 year old  nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive her around in a stretched black Mercedes. The suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will be required to escort the young lady on all of her overseas holidays trips. The salary package is $250,000 a year plus benefits."

The guy says, "You're bullshitting me, man!"

The man behind the counter said, "Well, you started it!"

_______________________________________________________________________________

January 16, 2003

                                                            TROUBLE IN THE CONVENT ...?

Mother Superior calls all the nuns together and says: "I must tell you something. We have a case of Gonorrhea in the convent!" 

A blonde nun in the back says, "Thank you, God! I am so tired of White Zinfandel." 

__________________________________________________________________________

January 12, 2003
                                                               FATHER O'MALLEY

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day and when walked to the open window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside he noticed a dead jackass lying in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station and the conversation went like this: 

"Top o' the marnin' to ye. This is Sergeant Flaherty. How might I help ye?" 

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads over to take care of the matter for me?" 

Sgt. Flaherty, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!" 

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied, "Aye Sergeant, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin." 
____________________________________________________________________________

January 12, 2003

                                                            THE SENSITIVE MALE

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect and they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that his bedroom is packed from floor to ceiling with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and enormous furry bears on the top shelf along the wall.  The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. 

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"  The guy says:
"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
______________________________________________________________________________

January 10, 2003

                                                            THE ROOSTER

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?" The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chucky. Wherever I go, Chucky goes." "I'm sorry, sir," said the ticket agent. "We can't allow animals in the theater." The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theatre. 

He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie. "Marge," whispered Mildred. "What?" said Marge. "I think the guy next to me is a pervert." "What makes you think so?" asked Marge. "He unzipped his pants and he has his thingy out," whispered Mildred. "Well, don't worry about it," said Marge. "At our age we've seen 'em all." "That's what I thought, too," said Mildred, "but this one's eating my popcorn 

__________________________________________________________________________

January 10, 2003

                                                            THE BALLERINA

A big, nasty, sweaty woman wearing a sleeveless sundress walks into a bar. She raises
her right arm, revealing a big, hairy armpit and she points to all the people sitting at the bar
and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?" 

The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a
skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, "Bartender! I want to buy that
ballerina a drink!" 


The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she's completed the
drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her
hairy armpit, saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?" 

Once again the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says,
"Bartender! I wanna
buy the ballerina anudder drink!" 


After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and says,
"It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?" 

The drunk replies, "Any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"

______________________________________________________________________________

January 10, 2003

                                                           THE MOURNING WIDOW

Mildred, a 93-year-old woman was particularly despondent over the recent death of her beloved husband, Earl. 
 
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took Earl's old Army pistol out from the closet and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place. 
 
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to exactly where the heart would be on a woman. 
 
The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast." 
 
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.....
_____________________________________________________________________________

January 7, 2003                                                            

                                                            GOING TO THE DOCTOR

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed. "Breast fed," she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a quite a while in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm sure glad I came." ____________________________________________________________________________

January 2, 2003

                                                            THE NEWLYWEDS

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss their wedding plans and on the way pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers "Yes".
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? "
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please."

___________________________________________________________________________

December 31, 2002

                                                            THE BUM 
 
A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for a meal. The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, 
 
"If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?" 
 
"No, I quit drinking twenty years ago," the bum said. 
 
"Will you use it to gamble?" 
 
"I don't gamble. I need every penny I can get just to stay alive." 
 
"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?" 
 
"Are you NUTS!!?? I haven't played golf in thirty years!" 
 
The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." 

The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad." 
 
The man replied, "Hey, man, that's OK! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf!" 

 
__________________________________________________________________________

December 23, 2002

                                                            THE CONFESSIONAL

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional, sits down but says nothing. 

The priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally the priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk replies, "Ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either." 

___________________________________________________________________________

December 22, 2002

                                                            A SENIOR'S MOMENT

An elderly couple is sitting on the porch one evening rocking in their rocking chairs. 

Out of the blue the old woman reaches over and whacks the old man in the head and knocks him out of the chair and down the steps. 

He gets up slowly and says,  "What the heck did you do that for you old fool? 

The old woman replies "That's for being the worst lover I ever had!" 

The old man sits down and they continue rocking. 

Then the old man reaches over whacks the old lady in the head and she rolls out of the chair and down the steps. 

She gets up and asks,  "What the heck was that for? "

The old man says, "That's for knowing the damned difference." 

___________________________________________________________________________

December 22, 2002

                                                            A SENIORS' CRUISE REWARD

An elderly couple was enjoying an ocean cruise and it was really stormy. Late one evening they were standing the stern of the ship watching the moon when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. The ship's crew searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. 

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up on deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . .please advise"

The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap"

__________________________________________________________________________

December 22, 2002

                                                           THE DEATH NOTICE

When her husband died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not
gonorrhea.

Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."
____________________________________________________________________________

December 21, 2002                                                            

                                                            YOU'VE GOTTA LOVE THE IRISH

An Irishman named O'Malley went to the doctor for his annual physical. The doctor conducted a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley square in the eyes and said, "O'Malley, I've got some bad news for you. You've got cancer and it's gonna be the end of you. You'd better be goin' home and puttin' your affairs in order."  O'Malley was understandably shocked at the news, but, being of solid character, he managed to compose himself, thanked the doctor and walked to the waiting room  where his son had been waiting.  "Well Seamus me son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things aren't so good. In my case, things aren't so good.  I have cancer. Let's go to the pub and have a few pints."

After quaffing three or four pints, or more, the two were feeling somewhat less somber.  There were some hearty laughs and a few more pints.

Eventually they were approached by several of O'Malley's old friends who were curious as to why the two were celebrating.  O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate both the good and the bad and that they were drinking to his impending life's end.  He told his friends "I've just been diagnosed with AIDS and I haven't got long for this life." The friends expressed their shock and their condolences and, after a few more beers, took their leave of the O'Malleys.  

When the friends had gone, Seamus leaned over to his father and whispered, "Dad, I thought you told me you were dying of cancer but you just told your friends that were dying of Aids!!"  O'Malley whispered back, with a grin, "I don't want any of them sleepin' with your mother after I'm gone."

_____________________________________________________________________________

December 21, 2002    

                                                            THE OLD ROOSTER

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his hen house. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK, old man. Time for you to retire!"  The old rooster replies, "Come now, surely you cannot handle all of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens in the corner over there?" The young rooster says, "Beat it! You're all washed up and I'm taking over!" The old rooster says, "I'll tell you what. I'll race you around the farmhouse, and whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I'll give you a head start." The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later, the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the house and the young rooster closes the gap. He is only five steps behind the old bird and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters go running by. He grabs his shotgun and BOOM! He blows the young rooster to smithereens. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit! That's the third gay rooster I've bought this month!"

Moral of the story: Don't mess with us old folks. Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.

Abstracted from the newsletter of the Probus Club of Blue Mountain (Collingwood, Ont.)

_____________________________________________________________________________

December 21, 2002

                                                            RESPECT FOR ANIMALS

An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer stopped her. "I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous." "I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home." "Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too." "Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get home." True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector and he said he would put a new one on immediately. "Also," said the Amish woman, "The policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."

Abstracted from the newsletter of the Probus Club of Blue Mountain (Collingwood, Ont.)

___________________________________________________________________________

December 18, 2002 

                                                           A SENIOR'S MOMENT

At 90 years of age, Morris marries LouAnne, a lovely 25-year-old.  Because her new husband is so old, LouAnne decides that on their wedding night, she and Morris will have separate bedrooms.

The new bride is concerned that her new husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities, LouAnne prepares herself for bed, and for the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 90-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. 

All goes well, whereupon Morris takes leave of LouAnne, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, LouAnne hears another knock on her bedroom door. It's Morris! And he's again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, LouAnne consents to further coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses LouAnne, bids her a fond good night, and leaves.

LouAnne is set to go to sleep again. However, after a few short minutes, there is another knock at her door, and there he is again...Morris, as fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for a bit more action. And again they enjoy one another.

As Morris is once again set to leave, the young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age, honey, .... I've been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once! You're a great lover, Morris,"

Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to LouAnne and says, "You mean I was here already?"

_____________________________________________________________________________

Deccember 18, 2002

                                                            THE MAFIA GODFATHER

A Mafia Godfather finds out that one of his underlings has screwed him out of ten million bucks. This underling happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather asks the underling,  "Where's the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" 

The attorney, using sign language, asks the underling where the 10 million dollars is hidden. 

The underling signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about."  

The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." 

The Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the underling's temple, cocks it and says, "Ask him again!" 

The attorney signs to the underling, "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!" 

The underling signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"  

The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?" 

The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

______________________________________________________________________________

December 17, 2002

                                                            A VERY WISE VET

The only cow in the village of Duntroon stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found they could buy a cow over in Stayner for $200.00. They bought the cow from Stayner and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. 

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.

However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.  No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. 

The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Stayner?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Stayner?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife’s from Stayner...."

___________________________________________________________________________

December 13, 2002 

                                                           THE CONFESSIONAL

An elderly man walked into a confessional and the following conversation ensued.

Man:    "I’m 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, 5 children, 12 grandchildren and 20 great-grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two beautiful college girls hitchhiking along the freeway. We went to a motel where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest:    "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man:    "What sins?"

Priest:    "What kind of Catholic are you?"

Man:    "I'm not Catholic, I’m Jewish"

Priest:    "Why are you telling me this?"

Man:    "I’m telling everybody"

_____________________________________________________________________________

December 13, 2002

                                                            BEAUTIFUL

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery and his wife was sitting by his bedside. His eyes fluttered open and he looked at his wife and whispered "You’re beautiful." Then he fell back to sleep. His wife had never heard him say that before. Twenty minutes later his eyes fluttered open again and he looked at his wife and said "You’re cute." His wife felt disappointed at this remark and said "What happened to beautiful." The man replied "The drugs are wearing off."

_____________________________________________________________________________

ecember 12, 2002

                                                        THE EULOGY

She married and had 7 children, then her husband died. She remarried and had 5 more. Again, her husband died. She married for the third time and had 3 more children. Alas, she finally died leaving behind her 15 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above and thanked Him for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to "Go forth and multiply."
In his eulogy the preacher said, "Lord, they are finally together."  

Leaning over to a neighbor, one mourner quietly asked "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" 

The neighbor replied, "I think he means her legs"

_____________________________________________________________________________

December 8, 2002

                                                        FUNERAL SERVICE 

A well known cardiologist died, and an elaborate funeral was planned. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, 
the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. 

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. 

When confronted, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist." 

__________________________________________________________________________

December 8, 2002

                                                        THREE NIGHTS IN A ROW 

A man goes to his doctor and says. " Doc, I have a problem. My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need 3Viagra pills to satisfy them all." 

The doctor says "You know 3Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for a man of your age. I will give them to you on the condition you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out." 

The man says "You have a deal, Doc."

Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling. 

The doctor asks "What happened"? 

The man answered "Nobody showed up!" 

__________________________________________________________________________

December 8, 2002 

                                                       RESEARCH STUDY 

A guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman. After an hour gathering up some courage he walks over to her and asks, "Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" 

She yells, "No, I certainly will not sleep with you tonight!" 

Everyone in the bar stares at them. The guy is totally embarrassed and slinks back to his table. 

After a few minutes, the woman walks over and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. But you see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." 

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

________________________________________________________________________

December 8, 2002        

                                                        PERSISTENT CALLER 

A guy calls a law office and says, "I want to talk to my lawyer." 
The receptionist replies, "I'm very sorry sir, but he died last week." 
The next day he phones again and asks the same question. 
The receptionist replies, "Sir, I told you yesterday, he died last week." 
The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his Lawyer. 
By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, 
"Sir, I keep telling you, your lawyer died last week. Why do 
you keep calling?" 

The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it." 

__________________________________________________________________________

December 8, 2002

                                                            CHECKING TICKETS 

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I asked to see your ticket, not your stub." 

___________________________________________________________________________

November 24, 2002

                                                           THE ESCAPED CONVICT

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the lam, he broke into a house and tied up the young couple who were sleeping in their bedroom.

He got on the bed right over the woman, and started kissing her neck.  Suddenly, he got up in a hurry and said he had to go to the bathroom. The husband then whispered to his young bride, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing you on the neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love you."

The half naked wife turned to her husband and said: "Darling, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck.... he was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom......Be strong and I love you, too."

________________________________________________________________________

November 24, 2002  

                                                      THE DANGERS OF GOLF

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture"

"We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed that one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it, stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!' " .

"I don't remember much after that."

_______________________________________________________________________

November 23, 2002

                                                        ANOTHER FEMINIST JOKE

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world"
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
__________________________________________________________________________

November 23, 2002

                                                        AN OLD GEEZER'S ANNUAL PHYSICAL 

A ninety year old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along. 

When the doctor enters the examination room he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample." 

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells, "WHAT? What did he say? What's he want?" 

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."
 
________________________________________________________________________

November 22, 2002

                                                           "JESUS IS WATCHING YOU" ....

A burglar broke into a house one night. 

He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. 

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. 

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. 

"Yep," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you." 

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the hell are you?" 

"Moses," replied the bird. 

"Moses" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?" 

"Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rotweiller Jesus," the bird answered. 

_______________________________________________________________________

November 17, 2002

                                                        HUSBANDLY ADVICE 

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of telling her it's not so, the husband comes up with a suggestion. 

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." 

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. 

"How long will this take?", she asks. 

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies. 

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?" 

"Worked for your butt, didn't it?" 

He survived, and with several years of intensive therapy, may even walk again...

_________________________________________________________________________

November 17, 2002

                                                        CONFESSION IS GOOD FOR THE SOUL

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. 

He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Becky," he whispered. 

"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk." 

He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice "I have something I must confess to you." 

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. 

"Everything's all right, go to sleep." 

"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" 

"I know" Becky whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you" 

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  November 8, 2002

HEARING PROBLEMS

Two elderly women were eating at a restaurant one morning.  Ethel noticed something funny about Mable's ear and she said, "Mable, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mable answered, "I have? A suppository?"  She pulled it out & stared at it.  Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."  


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